Topic #8. Interracial Couple - Interracial Friends?
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1. Interracial Couple - Interracial Friends?
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - 4:48 PM/EST
snowsister

I was just wondering something from those of you who are in interracial relationships. Do most of you have friends of one color, i.e. all black or all white, or is it diverse like your relationship?. I will get into more detail later about why I ask this question. In my marriage, our friends seem to be mostly black. My husband and I have very few white friends together. This sometimes causes a problem. I thought this would be a good topic to discuss!

2. Most friends are White
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - 5:55 PM/EST

Where I work, it's predominately White. Same is true for my wife.

Our neighborhood is predominately White.

So it goes that most of our friends are White.

I imagine if the places we worked and lived were mostly of another race, we'd be friends with those folks.

3. All White
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - 7:27 PM/EST
elissa

If you have read even one of my notes, I bet you could have guessed that all of our friends are white. But, I would LOVE to have some black frineds. Snowsister, why do you ask?

4. Mostly white
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - 7:49 PM/EST
s.patricia

I recently ended I three-year relationship with a white man. Most of the friends we made as a couple were white. We were pretty close to a mixed-race lesbian couple -- I still am -- but that was it.

5. interracial couple - interracial friends?
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - 11:55 PM/EST
gwen

My husband and I have multi-cultural friends. We both seem to be interested in people that are different just like our relationship. We have friends from different religions, different ethnicities, different countries/cultures, different professions, etc. We also have a few other interracial couples that we like to socialize with too. When we socialize with these other couples, the topic of race always seems to come up. I like that we have these friends to discuss interracial issues with. If they do not understand, I do not know who would!

6. Interracial couple-Interracial friends
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 11:45 AM/EST

We are fortunate to have friends of all colors, ethnicities and sexual orientations: a Japanese- American couple, a Caucasian lesbian couple, a African American woman-Jewish man couple, and several Caucasian couples. We met most of our friends through the Dances of Universal Peace (Sufi dancing) and they are the most caring and accepting people I have ever met. Race, religion, ethnicity, and sexual preference are basically non-issues among us.

7. Answering Elissa
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 12:43 PM/EST
snowsister

I ask Elissa, because most of our friends are black and most of his friends without me are black. He seems to sometimes not want to include me in this one group of friends. Like one day, he went to a picnic without me and then came home to get me because he was feeling bad that he didn't take me. This particular group of people are not use to being around white people! They all looked at me as if I had 4 heads. This hurts. The funny thing is, most of my girlfriends without him are black anyway, except for the ones I grew up with. I just feel that I am not accepted as easily around black people as he would be around white people. Don't want to hurt anyone else's feelings here, but a few times I have felt really disrespected by these people. The ignorance overwhelms me. It causes problems between us sometimes becuase I would think he wouldn't want to be around racst people too. I would never take him to a gathering of white racists, why should I go to gathering of black racists, or why would he go too. Does this make sense? Our friends together,on the other hand, mostly black, we have no problems with.

8. Interracial friends
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 1:56 PM/EST
phoebe

My husband hung out with a group of young, unmarried African men before we met - he's stayed friends with them, but doesn't invite them over so I really don't know them much. "Our" friends tend to be my friends, white and black women who are single or have married someone from Africa or Asia. We also have friends we met through work or our children, and they are all black or white couples. The only time race comes up is with black couples - I get the feeling I'm being warned of what to expect for my children, how to look out for them, etc.

9. our friendships, black and white
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 1:59 PM/EST
s.patricia

When my ex and I were together, the friends we made as a couple were made mainly through our involvement with very open, giving, accepting organizations (Gay Men's Health Crisis, Partnership for the Homeless, God's Love We Deliver, etc.) ... i.e., people I would expect to be accepting of interracial relationships. Twice we went to parties thrown by black friends of mine. In both instances we were met by a LOT of anger and hostility, directed at both of us. I went to one party without him and people were still pretty angry with me. They assumed, because I was alone, that I had broken up with my boyfriend and one partygoer even commented on how glad he was to see I'd "gotten smart and dumped that f---ing slave master." I stopped going to parties thrown by anyone in that crowd. Parties we attended which were thrown by his white friends were a lot easier. There were a few instances where people were a little uncomfortable at first, but never anything as ugly as the parties *my* friends threw. Certainly not all of my black friends responded in this way -- thank goodness! -- but it was really hard for me to see this side of people I thought I knew quite well.

10. Interracial Couple - Interracial Friends
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 11:44 PM/EST

We have friends who are white, friends who are black, quite a number of friends who in are interracial marriages. We also have friends from numerous other minority groups. However, we have only lived here 2 years and more of our friends here are white because most of our associations come from our work environments which are predominantly white. We would welcome black friends in the local area. Part of our problem is that at this time we do not have much free time. It has been stimulating for us to communicate with people on line.

11. Blacks might be more direct
Fri, Sep 17, 1999 - /EST
elissa

I am so relieved to hear others with similar experiences. I honestly find blacks to much more

separatist and even racist, if I may use that word. However, I am aware that some might say

that blacks are more direct about things. If blacks as a community don't approve, they let

you know. That's what happened to Cicily in Africa.

White racists tend to be less obvious. They don't say what they think, they just take

subversive actions. I almost think it promotes a type of paranoia in the Black community. If

a group of blacks aren't served in a restaurant, they likely will assume that it is racism, and

that could very well be true. But, it could also be because they have an absent minded

waitress, or because the manager forgot to assign a server to that table, or a zillion other

things could have gone wrong.

My husband and I have separate bank accounts. Occasionally, we need to use each other’s

bank cards. He never has a problem using my card even though he obviously isn't a woman.

But, I can rarely use his. I am always questioned and often need to pay for a purchase a

different way. What makes us different? We go to the same stores, buy similar items,

appear to be of the same economic group. So is it racism? Probably. But, it drives me nuts

not knowing for sure.

We once went to a very nice restaurant for a birthday. The service was great, the food was

wonderful, we had a great time. But, a friend who worked there later told us that he had to

stop our waitress from spitting in our food. We would have never guessed based on the way

she treated us.

12. re:elissa's comments
Fri, Sep 17, 1999 - 6:03 PM/EST
phoebe

Yuck! After reading your comments, I immediately started reviewing every restaurant we've been to lately, wondering if there was anything funny about the food. Am I paranoid?

13. Sorry to gross you out Phoebe
Sat, Sep 18, 1999 - 1:11 AM/EST
elissa

There is probably a better word for it than paranoid. Some of the members of the group

seem to approach the issues more academically. Maybe one of them has a good term for it.

But, yes. I think you are "paranoid". By that I mean, you have concerns that people are

doing things to you without any true basis for those suspicions. I do it too. I think a lot of us

do it. When things like my restaurant experience happen, you can't help but worry. But, we

should go through life assuming the worst in people. Maybe this could be a new thread,

perceived v. real racism?