Topic #2. Can Black/White Realtionships Work, Longterm?
(Showing 21-35 of 63)

21. answers to some Questions
Sat, Sep 18, 1999 - 5:16 PM/EST
qiana

I think that I am qualified to answer two of the questions that have been placed on this board. littlekat asked about the acceptance of interracial couples outside of CA. My husband and I have lived in several areas around Boston and we lived in Nashville for a few years. I can honestly say that we have never had any problems anywhere. People always comment under their breath(especially Blacks) but I can live with that. It is pretty scary sometimes when we want to travel and just not knowing, its not like you can ask anyone. But we have gone around the country and never have been in any bad situations.

Also nubianpeach wanted to know what it was like to date outside of your race. I met my husband when I was 19 and I had dated alot but never a white man. I had never even contemplated it even though I have always had close friendships and gone to school with white people. I thought for sure our dating would only turn into a friendship. My family was surprised and thought it was a phase. But the more i got to know him the more i saw past "this white boy" and i saw him as a person a smart, wonderful man that loved me and would do anything for me. I have to say it was not easy getting past the feeling that I was betraying somebody, but who? I wasn't married, I diint owe anyone I wanted to live my life with the man of my chice without having to answer to anyone about why I love him. why not, he is easy to love.

22. Hard to accept
Sat, Sep 18, 1999 - 7:29 PM/EST
nubianpeach

In response to qiana, I don't know, its' hard for me to understand it. Maybe I have this color guard blocking me from dating out of my race. I've tried to rationalize it and open my eyes to it but I just found that hard to do.

I've mainly attended black schools all of my life, went to a black church, and interacted with millions of black people. I even graduated from a black college. So, some might say that I 'm just monocultural and not diverse. Well, contrary to that belief, I am now attending a White college and the thought of even getting a man out of my race makes

Now I know this may be off the subject, but what are people's thoughts of attending a college that is not of your own race. Meaning, if you;re White,a black college or if you're Black, a Native American college. For some reason, I think this goes hand in hand with the subject of interacial dating. The same friend that I talked about earlier went to a White school and basically has lost her sense of cultural identity, as is typical of many others. I think when you've grown up in an environment where people look like you and you've identified as role models, it provides a sense of comfort.

23. overlook color
Sun, Sep 19, 1999 - 9:45 AM/EST
qiana

alright now nubianpeach, I have also been around black people the majority of my life. I also have attended the same black church all my life even though I went to white high schools I did attend two historically black colleges while I lived in TN. Imet my husband when I was a sophomore at one of these colleges. And my husband did attend one of these schools also which had a white population of less than 10%. I believe that was hard for him to be a minority but it did allow him to learn alot about blacks and it made him sympathetic to the black cause where as before he had typical white views of " a black man has every chance that I do of getting ahead in this country, racial attitudes don't matter." But anyway I have also attended white schools(really white) and I hated it. They are not for me. And to get back to my other point. Even though I was mainly around blacks in my personal life I was never taught to hate other people.

24. response to qiana
Sun, Sep 19, 1999 - 5:55 PM/EST
nubianpeach

I don't hate other people, it's just this thing of pro-blackness. I think maybe if I were friends with a guy of the other race, first, and then fell in love with him, that would be different. But I don;t go out seeking it and surely no one from other races have tried to pursue me. Thus, because I'm in this black environment and this is alll that I'm accustomed to, my interaction with males of the other race are less.

I hope this is not confusing. Even in my classes, they are a majority White females. So, where would I find a man of another race? Even socially,I am in a Black sorority and ususally we congregate with each other and males that are the same race as us.

So, again, this pro-blackness is there. Maybe you didnt experience it, but it's definitely in me.

Hey, at least I'm trying to be open about my biases. I don;t have a probably interacting with other cultures because that's how you network. It's just the dating thing....I have hang-ups about.

Sometimes, I feel as if I'm going to marry someone of the other race because I have such strong feeligns.

I know the hardest part, would be family acceptance.

25. white/black
Mon, Sep 20, 1999 - 1:58 AM/EST
cold_ember

Unlike most of the people who have posted their messages, I am not in a biracial relationship. But I am an individual who constantly explores the unknown. I am a 25 year old black male and once pursued a biracial relationship, but have decided to participate in dating my own race. Not because I am prejudice, but because of the social norms that attack biracial relationships. That is to say, at the time I felt somewhat of a discomfort when my dating habbits where compromised with the relationship to a latina. I think it is of the utmost importence to discuss these issues as to further communicate to those who's views are currupt towards society as a whole.

26. Search the whole spectrum
Mon, Sep 20, 1999 - 12:02 PM/EST

This message is intended primarily for nubianpeach. I'm struggling to comprehend your whole attitude towards your "pro-blackness." Now, I am not saying there is anything wrong with that, I'm just not you. I can't live your life to really understand.

However, let me offer this story:

When I first saw my girlfriend, I felt the strongest pull of my life. I didn't know her at all, but I knew there was something very special. I got to know her for about two years before we started dating. Now, 5 years later, I am completely in love with her. Realizing we are soulmates, I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

I wasn't looking to date outside or inside my race. I was just looking for someone to compliment me. I found it in a black Cape Verdian woman. Sure, there has been some struggle with race, but nothing that cannot be overcome. Our families are fine, our friends are fine. Who cares about the rest! It is really just about us.

My advice is to search the whole spectrum. Try and be as open minded as possible. You never know who that special person may be.

On a side note:

I once dated a girl who is nearly the same ethnic makeup as myself. I instantly thought, "Wow! I've never met anyone THIS much like myself! She HAS to be the one!" So, I pursued her and we dated for awhile.

Shortly into the relationship, I had a strange feeling. It was kind of an icky feeling. I felt that she was a little TOO much like me. Almost like a relative. I couldn't bring myself to get too intimate with her. I can't really explain it fully. I just realized that I *might* be happier dating someone who was a little more diverse from me, even if she's white. So I broke up with her.

Something to think about . . .

27. Response to slugbait and nubianpeach
Mon, Sep 20, 1999 - 1:39 PM/EST
bbbarbs

I had a similar experience to slugbait. I knew from the time that I met my boyfriend that there would be something special between us. I have a hard time understanding nubianpeach's perspective on dating and problackness. In order to date outside your race, it doesn't mean that one actively says okay, now I'm going to date men outside my race. All it takes is to open one's mind to experiences that are different from your own. I also want to let you know that not all "white" people who date black people are uninterested in learning about the black experience. Even before I met my boyfriend I was extremely interested in black history because it is the history of this country. I took many sociology classes in college trying to learn more. Just because of one guy's ignorance who's dating your friend, please don't assume that we all think this way. It is something I can't understand.

About pro-blackness....I have tried to understand what it means and I still can't make sense of this term. My best friend's family is from the Caribbean and my boyfriend's family is from Nigeria and they have lived a blakc experience, but are shunned by African-Americans who claim to be pro-black. They shun my friends because they have friends who are white or are from other ethnic backgrounds. Why? How will we ever advance as a society if African Americans choose self-segregation and whites continuue to hate. I think everything stems from ignorance. If you don't know anything besides your own people and experience you can never move forward and accept everyone else.

28. slugbait, et al.
Mon, Sep 20, 1999 - 1:58 PM/EST
nubianpeach

My whole argument is, don't put down your own race and then go seek out something else. As I stated earlier, "The grass is always greener on the other side" or "The other man's milk is always sweeter." There's a problem when you put down your race and talk about what the other race of male/female species has to offer.

If you happen to fall in love or whatever with someone of a different race and there's absolutely nothing you can do about because you're so helplessly in love, then so be it.

But 7.5 times out of 10 and including the people that I know and have spoken with, dating interacially has a lot to do with curiosity. It is like this desire or unspoken dream to conquer. Some folks feel as if they can accomplich that, then they can accomplish anything in the world.

29. Curiosity....
Mon, Sep 20, 1999 - 2:17 PM/EST
bbbarbs

nubianpeach, I looked up your bio and I saw that you are from IL or go to school at UIUC. I live in Chicago in one of the few integrated middle-class neighborhoods in the city. There are many interracial couples who have been together for 50 years in this neighborhood. I don't think that the reason they are together is because of curiosity. It's not the reason that I am with my boyfriend either. We both thought about this after the series. We saw each other's skin color when we met, but after that we only looked at what was on the inside. Other people may not believe that but it's true. The reason I liked him so much was because of his compassion, not his looks. I'd never met a man as caring or faithful to his family, friends, and me before. My mother taught me to love a person for their mind, not how they look. Everyone would be much happier if they followed that advice.

My boyfriend and I do see examples of people dating or hooking up in Chicago whom we call the vampires. They dare to be seen with each other at a club or around at night when it's cool to be with someone and exoticize them. And a lot of them have the conquer mentality. Especially the black guys and white blonde women at clubs. They have their trophy piece on their arm. However I often have to take a step back and say, I don't know who these people are and they may truly love each other. The problem with the night club, white/black short-term relationships is that they give people trying to have real interracial relationships a hard time. I can't stand to see people at clubs try to pick up someone else because they are white or black. It is contrary to how I grew up and what I believe relationships are about. So....to answer the curiosity deal and the grass is greener....I find that discussion silly from my own experience. Nubianpeach it seems you may have some friends who are very closed minded.

30. littlekat's questions about how it is elsewhere
Mon, Sep 20, 1999 - 2:37 PM/EST
bbbarbs

In my previous post I mentioned that I live in Chicago in an integrated area. My boyfriend and I feel very comfortable here. There are other areas of the city though where we wouldn't feel safe. In most other places in the city we do receive either stares or dirty looks or stare of "hey, baby, since you're dating a black guy, I'm sure you'd like to date me." Most of the white people who stare are suburbanites. They look at us like we're aliens or "god, don't let my daughter get the disease she has." ( : A lot African American women give me looks like they want to kill me because I'm dating a well educated black man, instead of the thug type who they wouldn't want anyway. And a lot of black men think that since I'm dating a black man, that I would be interested in them.

All of these looks used to bother me, but now I laugh at these idiots. Their ignorance used to astound me, but now I could care less. We both usually completely ignore these people or laugh. Laughing helps a lot!

31. Yes,it can
Mon, Sep 20, 1999 - 5:16 PM/EST
xx-cin-xx

Hhmm,

I do think that a black and white relationship can work for long term,though it would be very hard since all relationships experience problems,without adding the race issue.Whose to say that it can't work,if we don't try,not that i'm saying that we must go out and try a relationship where both parties are of different races,but instead keep your mind open to all the possibilites.To tell u the truth i really don't see any problem why two persons of different skin colours,especially black/white together,can't be together.I don't know why i have this idea in my head,maybe its because i'm multiracial and also female not that we tend to think way differently than guys but i do think that most of us females are more open to the possibilites of an inter-racial relationship,or maybe its because i have both white/black/and all the other races that u can think about,or maybe its because i'm from south america originally where we really don't care that much about races,like north americans,or maybe its because i'm living in canada right now and i haven't experienced any racism,particulary to my face or so.I would really like some feed back on this please.Do any of u think that people like me who are either bi-racial or multi-racial think differently about racism or why people of different races can't be in a relationship?Well thats all for now.Peace out.

Xx-Cin-xX

32. Re: xx-cin-xx
Mon, Sep 20, 1999 - 6:47 PM/EST

I agree with you...I believe that if two people want to be together and should be together it 'll work. I really think it's more personality based than on the race of the people. Like it was said before if there is an attraction race sort of becomes irrelevant.

I do think that bi/multi racial people view the relationships differently and also racism. Maybe b/c I've experienced it and then had it explained to me that I see it differently. I always see racism as a way of enforcing nonexisting superiority and nonexisting inferiority. I don't know for sure if it's b/c of my race or my experiences...I think maybe its both.

33. Choosing to Date within or outside your race..
Mon, Sep 20, 1999 - 7:26 PM/EST
littlekat

If you look at why some people consciously choose to date a person who is the same race as them or a person who is not, it is usually because they see skin color an external marker for other characteristic they think that person will posess. Everybody has a list of things in their head of what they are looking for in a mate: some are personality issues; others are culturally based such as communication styles, food, traditions, language, ect; some people consider what their family, friends, coworkers, ect. will think of this person; and then of course there is physical appearance and what features are attractive to you. Many of these things are greatly impacted by a persons race and heritage, and I think that's why most people tend to date people of their same race. I think it is fine for people to say "these are the qualities I am looking for in a mate and I think I'm more likely to find them in someone of a particular ethnic background." But there is a fine line between making these kinds of distinctions about people and making relationship decisons based on faulty sterotypes. People who see dating outside their race as some kind of experiment or do it because they want to project a certain kind of image, piss me off. Enabling sterotypes to persist in any way will only lead to a continued lack of cross-cultural understanding and contribute to racial discrimination.

34. To littlekat
Tue, Sep 21, 1999 - 1:20 PM/EST
bbbarbs

I really enjoyed your last comment. I often ponder that exact topic. I have several friends who prefer to date someone from their own ethnic background. i've talked to them about their preferences and neither of them rule out people from other backgrounds, but as you said before they know that a person from their ethnicity most likely will share their same values. My problem is when people take stereotypes to the extreme, as you mentioned, and project them onto other people. Before my boyfriend was dating me, he was out with his friends and a white girl asked to dance with him. He asked her some questions and then all of a sudden she asked him, "How come you speak so properly?" He was so mad! He's an educated man, of course, he'll speak properly. She was so ignorant that she thought all black men would speak ebonics with her. How can we change people's minds when all of this ignorance persists? I personally think that most of the problem lies in the fact that this country is so segregated-or at least my city is. On an individual level I think people need to try to throw away their prejudices and try to learn about and befriend people who are different from themselves. What does everyone else think?

35. to everyone
Tue, Sep 21, 1999 - 10:45 PM/EST
beachgirl

i just finished reading all of the 34 posts before mine and it was very interesting. I think a relationship between black/whites can work definitelly. I believer it is harder, but in a lot of cases those struggles bring you together. my boyfriend and I have had bad comments from our families that we have had to deal with. One family member said I was confused! I did not start dating my boyfriend out of curiosity. First of all I love being black but I have always gone to mixed school, majority white, but lived in amajorly black neighborhood. I have always had friends from all races. My three best female friends are cuban/greek, puerto rican, and black. My boyfriend and I were friends first and i wasn't curios about dating a white guy I was just very attracted to the beautiful person he is and how great a friend he was to me during the hardest part of my life when no one else was there for me. I fell in love with the person he is and not his skin color because that doesn't matter to me. I am no less black by dating a white man and I think life would be pretty boring if we just stuck to same race relationships.

(sorry its so long)