Topic #11. Why Is The Number of White Women/Black Men Relationships So Much Higher Than Black Women/White Men?
(Showing 16-30 of 33)

16. response to hill #15
Thu, Sep 30, 1999 - 12:25 PM/EST
annetta

Hill, would I be right if I guessed that you

are just totally fed up with biracial dating,

or just black men/white women dating? I know

how you feel. I can understand people getting

together(all people)for companionship and what-

ever. But what I'm against, is going after any

race just because you think that you are going

to be any better off than you were before.

Example: I know a black woman who only dates

white men because she said black men don't know

how to treat women. I know a mexican guy who

only dates black women, because he says they

are better in bed. I know a white guy who dates

only black women because he says he likes the

contrast in skin color and the darker the better.

I know black men who only date white women for

for what they can get and vice versa, this is

what I'm talking about. I guess I'm against

the stereotypes. I know trying to find someone

is difficult, and if you meet a nice person and

they just happen to be another race well then

more power to you. But let that be the reason.

17. A black mans thought on the whole interracial subject.
Thu, Sep 30, 1999 - 12:53 PM/EST
britt

My name is Ken and I've been dating Britt for 3 yrs. I've been reading some of the questions raised about why black men date white women and the misconceptions that have been brought to the table. I just wanted to let some of the readers out there hear from one of those black men. Many times we hear how the whole fascination with BM/WW stems from the myth that all white women give us their credit cards and that we have identity issues. That is simply not true. I love black women as well as spanish,and also white. I think that black women are beautiful.Throughout my life I have dated a number of black women and have had some of the best relationships. I think that who you are and your preference of dating stems from first,your upbringing,and also it can have a lot to do with your surroundings.When I was growing up I hung out with both blacks and whites. We all got along fine. It wasn't until I started college that I discovered true racism. I have dealt with promotions handed to white men over me who didn't deserve it. I also have been demoted because the word was out thatI was dating someone white. I have many reason not to date outside of my race. I have evey reason to hate white people,and sometimes I do. But prejudiced people are everywhere. My relationships with women are based on trust, understanding and loyalty. Now let's get something undersood: I'm not saying a black woman can't give me those things but it just so happens that the woman I'm with does. I understand how a black woman can feel betrayed but I wish for once a black woman can look upon an interracial relationship and see past the old stereotypes and think that maybe those two are good for each other. There are many issues we as black men have to deal with and many obstacles we have to overcome,but the bottom line is that if people keep interfering with other people's lives just because it's not the life they choose than we will keep dealing with ignorance until the end of time.

18. Response to Annetta
Fri, Oct 1, 1999 - 8:40 AM/EST

Annetta, I am not fed up with biracial dating or

black men/white women dating. I am concerned,

however, that too many of these relationships get

started for the wrong reasons. These types of

continued relationships create a mindset that can

deprive these individuals of meaningful

relationships which build strong families and

communities.

19. Ken's response
Mon, Oct 4, 1999 - 4:49 PM/EST
kjsmama

Ken, thank you so much for expressing my thoughts clearly. I know that I did not go searching for a black man because something was missing from my relationships with whites or Latinos. I am with my black/mexican husband because he is my soul mate. We were meant to be together regardless of our skin color. I do have a lot to learn about the way he feels about being a minority living in America in 1999, but he also has a lot to learn about what it's like to be a woman in 1999 America.

Those of you who base your opinions about my relationship on what one of your friends told you are looking in the wrong place for answers. Every relationship is different and to say that WW like BM for a certain reason, or WM go after BW for a certain reason, are buying into old-school mentalities that should be put aside. Instead, let's look at the individuals and receive joy from their happiness.

PS: My husband and I were given a compliment I will remember always, that we were the reason friends of ours got married. We inspired them with our love and spirituality. That's what love is all about.

20. Response to Kjsmama #19
Tue, Oct 5, 1999 - 3:06 PM/EST

Why do you feel anyone was speaking about

you? I said "some" white women. I

said "some" white women/black men. You are

living in a dream world if you think the

majority of white women/black men relationships

are not created because of stereotypical ideas

and unmet relational needs within one's race.

My opinions on this issue does not come from

one friend. My opinions come from a broad range

of interactions with people of all races and in

many different settings. I have talked to

African-American men in my family as well as

throughout the black community. I am thought

of by many white women to be a friend they can

confide their true feelings to. What I said in

my previous posts were not meant to describe all

white women/black men relationships. However, I

believe too many of these relationships do little

more than to help tear an already fragile

black community apart with little to show for it

in the end but fatherless biracial children and

a white mother who has been ostracized from her

community looking for support from black women.

I do not believe Bill Sims' and Karen Wilson's

relationship is the norm. I also believe that

if Karen had insisted that Bill work, her

children would have also been fatherless. So,

if Bill left Karen and Karen had remained in

Marion, who do you think would have ended up

her support system? Most black women do not

mind helping these children or the mothers, but

we have already such a heavy load to carry. We

are struggling for our men who are not loving

themselves, their women, or their children as they

should. We are struggling for our children who

have very few male role models. We are struggling

for ourselves to be all we can be despite all of

the roadblocks that continue to mount up against

us. When I say that white women should not

enter into a relationship with a black man

frivolously, I am saying this because my whole

community could be affected by those choices.

21. Response to hill
Tue, Oct 5, 1999 - 5:49 PM/EST
britt

So, what would you suggest?

I was talking to a friend of mine about this same subject...she is black, and before she met me she didn't know any white women personally who dated black men. She did not agree with it because of the stereotypes, and she said it was fine if the couple was truly in love. My question to her, and now to you, is THIS: How will you know whether or not you're in love unless you date? You don't have to have sex, but unless you spend some time with that person, you won't know. And most people date each other because they are attracted to one another, right? Well, do you just think that there should be total segregation? That blacks should focus on black community and whites should focus on white community? Do you want to enforce once again the "one drop" rule and have all black, brown, yellow, or cream people stay away from the white people? I mean, what happened to trying to understand each other?

I am 100% for tearing down racial stereotypes and building up the black community, but I don't think that seperatism is the way to do that.

22. responding
Tue, Oct 5, 1999 - 10:16 PM/EST
eve

Britt, Well said. I think to know each other better we have to cross the line so to speak. Interacial relationships are probably the first step. Love is love,when you meet the right person it a great thing. We will never have strong communities for any race if we reamin seperate. It is a little world and people are people, and there have always been interacial couples and I think that it is a good thing. I was told once that the Bahai religion encourages the mixing of races, {though I may be mistaken} in hopes that our differences fade.

23. responding
Tue, Oct 5, 1999 - 11:13 PM/EST
bhjb

I agree with several points that hill made. However, I do think that perhaps too much emphasis is being placed on white women's roles in interracial relationships and how it impacts our (black) community. By placing the emphais on not having white women enter into interracial relationships frivolously, because of the negative impact it may or may not have on our (Black) community, is taking away the responsibity from Black men's roles in these relationships. Often times interracial relationships (as others) are entered into by individuals who are not emotionally equipped to handle a mutually enriching relationship. Yes, there are people who enter into interracial relationships for all of the wrong reasons. For every interracial relationship which is founded on stereotypes, mis-education, etc.; there is an equal number of same-race relationships entered into for those same reasons. The only difference--interracial relationships are under a societal microscope. People are always trying to analyze the "why", the "when is it going to fail", instead of looking at the fact that individuals are complicated and bring a lot of baggage to the relationship that hasn't necessarily been dealt with. My parents have been married for over 30 years, my husband and I have been together for 10 years (married four.) Most interracial couples I come into contact with are couples who did not buy into the stereotypes, mis-education, etc. I'm wondering if age has a part in this? Are individuals of a particular age group more likely to buy into the stereotypes? Does education make a difference? Any thoughts?

24. Response to bhjb
Wed, Oct 6, 1999 - /EST
britt

Here's a question: Wouldn't couples who are not emotionally ready for that kind of relationship not last long in one? I mean, maybe I'm underestimating the number of white women who have sex with black men because of the "big dick" myth or the number of black men who have sex with white women because of the "status" myth or whatever, but do these people just copulate and have mixed-up kids? What happens to these relationships? Do they last? Obviously, the stereotypes come from somewhere, but in order to have a long-term or lasting relationship, you have to have some things in common, don't you?

I understand that many black women are angry with us for "taking their men" or at black men for "abandoning the sisters," but explain this: (Warning, here comes naive white girl): even when you HAVE a man, you're angry (I address black women)...I mean do you think my man would make a good mate for your friend, sister, cousin, niece, etc? They probably wouldn't want him, anyway! What if one of your black friends dumped him and I got her leftovers? One woman's trash is another woman's treasure, and he's with me because he loves me (Lord knows he wouldn't have stayed so long if it was just sex!)

Why limit yourself to just one race? There are so many beautiful people out there, and you are depriving yourself of a very rich experience if you only date one type of people, be it black, white, hispanic, or whatever.

Why are you SO angry? Do you want to deprive US of happiness just because he has a little more melanin than I do? That's crazy!

25. britt, myths, and melanin
Wed, Oct 6, 1999 - 11:08 AM/EST
rain

Britt, darling. Relax, take a deep breath. It really is okay.

Of course we'll never know who started the 'male organ' myth, but surely no one still believes that size matters. It's almost laughable that that one is still being bandied about.

I don't know what experiences you and Ken have had with disapproving stares, comments, or whatever; but be assured that not all black women are angry that you're with a black man.

Addressing the anger. Am I angry? Yes, sometimes. I hope I can make this clear, because it's difficult to put into words. I'm speaking from personal experience, baring my soul as it were. Of the men I've dated, all black, three of them had previously dated across racial/cultural lines. Did that matter to me? No. What mattered was that they were available and we appeared (at first) to have things in common on which to base a relationship. Boy was I naive...but I digress.

I'm angry that those men were unfaithful, substance abusers (drugs/alcohol), needy, liars. They were (in varying combinations) all these things. I'm angry about that! I'm angry that I as a black woman, am 'expected' (yes EXPECTED) to endure with the patience of JOB all the sullen, moodiness and issues brought to bear because the 'brother' can't get a break. I'm angry because Karen put up with Bill. I'm angry because I put up with Bill (in other incarnations). I'm angry because my sisters, cousins, friends have their Bills. I'm angry that being educated, strong-willed, self-possessed, and solvent makes me either a target for these losers or undesirable.

26. britt, myths, and melanin (part 2)
Wed, Oct 6, 1999 - 11:16 AM/EST
rain

My post was too long (sorry), but I must continue.

I'm not currently dating, and I'm having the time of my life. I no longer have relationship anguish/anxiety. I can relax and enjoy myself. This time is precious to me. Maybe I'll date again someday, maybe not. If I do, his race isn't an issue for me. I don't know if it ever was. When I see couples who are enjoying being together and making it work, I'm happy for them. I realize that it's not always easy. No relationship is (at least none of mine has been). Having differences of religion, race, culture, etc shouldn't have to derail it. Saying no to a potentially rewarding relationship solely on the basis of pigment seems ridiculous to me.

I've enjoyed this time together, my friends. Thanks for sharing, and I'll miss you.

27. just something to say
Wed, Oct 6, 1999 - 3:16 PM/EST
ravenc1

Rain, i am single too and i don't know if i am having the time of my life but it is nice not to have to deal with the stress of having a man. That's sad right, i associate stress with having a man. Everything comes to an end and that's the part i can't stand. Whether it's me who wants to end the relationship or him. As far as dating out of my race, i have never done that nor do i plan on it. I definately wouldn't say i'm prejudice, i'm just not attracted to white men like that. I've seen cute white men but never have i been attracted to them. I must admit when i see a black and white couple together i do not feel totally comfortable with that but then really who the hell am i to feel comfortable or not with something that's none of my business. But it did make me realize that there must be something i fear about black and whites being a couple. That is one of the reasons i watched the ALS, to help me with actually seeing a mixed couple as two people in a relationship and not a black person and a white person in a relationship. I think by watching the program it has helped me. It made me realize that they go through the same bullshit any other relationship goes through. Okay, i realized that your color does not define who you are. It's a part of who you are but does not define you. I already broke down to you'll what i feel is really being looked at, definately not what color you are. Since my little revelation i have not seen a mixed couple, so i guess the real test will come when i actually see a black man with a white female or vice versa. Hopefully everything i learned will stand true.

28. rain
Wed, Oct 6, 1999 - 3:27 PM/EST
britt

Rain, you are so cool!

I loved having you in the group :)

Well, I guess I was a little keyed up last night (too much sugar or something). I just get tired of being blamed for tearing apart the black community (and before anyone says they are not speaking directly to ME, let me say that since I am dating a black man, I do play a part in that; I am a contributing factor).

But if we have children, society will see them as black, so of course I want to ensure that they have the best environment possible, and I will do everything in my power to educate them (be they black OR white) about other cultures, and TRUE history. I will try not to let anyone tell them that they should be ashamed of who they are, because it was their ancestors' blood, sweat, and tears that made this country the thriving place that it is today!

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that it all starts with education, in the home. If we as parents vow to teach our children the TRUTH and let them decide for themselves later on, this country might be different - better.

Always remember - hate is learned, not born.

Peace, everyone :)

29. To raven
Wed, Oct 6, 1999 - 7:13 PM/EST
britt

Well, dear, we could come visit you if you want...we need a vacation, anyway:)

Just kidding. I'm sure you'll be fine. You seem to be a very intelligent woman who is not afraid to think and fell what she wants, regardless of societal pressures. Good luck to you (and I'll keep forwarding those e-mails!)

30. Parting words
Wed, Oct 6, 1999 - 11:19 PM/EST
kjsmama

I'd like to share a little real life story with you. When my husband and I got engaged, I hadn't yet met his mom. She heard the news and was basically on the next plane to our town. She had heard about me and we had talked briefly, but neither of us had any idea what to expect.

In that moment we could have restrained our opinions and been polite, instead we had a real heart to heart. And the reason i'm bringing this up is from rain's comments. His mother said something similar about looking at black/white couples and not seeing the relationship. She asked how I could relate to a black man. and my reply was the rest of what rain said. that race does not define who you are. I don't look at my husband and see his skin color, i see him. We had a long discussion about these things and in the end left with smiles and big hugs.

It's obvious that we've all learned some things and I hope that we can take these lessons and talk about them with people we care about. Thanks everyone!