Topic #1. Understanding your mate
(Showing 1-15 of 42)

1. Understanding your mate
Fri, Sep 17, 1999 - 1:03 PM/EST
kjsmama

I can totally relate to what shay49 said in her bio. I know that I love my husband and I don't think about his race as a factor in our relationship. But when we talk about these issues, I'm always shocked and indignant at the ignorance of the general public, while he is resigned because he has dealt with these issues all his life. I know I will never fully understand where he is coming from and that hurts a lot. I suppose if I was with a white man we'd have a different sort of understanding, just being from the same race. But it is the other things, the PERSON my husband is, through which we have understanding in our relationship. If you remove the race thing, we are very similar: parents who split up when we were small, middle class background in a racially diverse area, college education, etc. Is there any way to see things from his perspective?

2. Understanding your mate
Fri, Sep 17, 1999 - 2:12 PM/EST
rain

I think kjsmama makes a good point. Not thinking about your husband's race is natural for you. I'm sure he feels the same. Keep in mind though, that when other people see you, the 'person' that you are isn't what they see first. As far as seeing things from his perspective, I think being with him and literally seeing things happen brings a certain element of seeing it through his eyes. I don't know that you can get any closer than that. I've seen couples (both inter racial and of the same race) and wondered why they're drawn to each other. In retrospect, I've wondered why I was drawn to people I dated in the past. Several times it was a natural curiosity about them because they were different from me in terms of personality, ambition, direction, etc. It was a way to broaden my horizons, educate myself, and figure out who I was.

I don't feel that I got a sense of who Karen was in the early stages of her relationship with Bill, perhaps because I didn't see the first 4 hours of the series. She seemed to have some insight into who Bill is that didn't come across to me. As they were leaving the reunion, Karen mentioned that someone seemed surprised that she and Bill are still together. I echo that surprise.

3. Understanding Your Mate
Fri, Sep 17, 1999 - 6:07 PM/EST
britt

Sometimes I think when the world is against you, it makes you want to hold on even tighter, just to prove everyone wrong. My boyfriend and I are a united front against those who try to come between us, and it has made our relationship a lot stronger. I do wish we had the support of our families, though. People always talk about "the children" but we don't have children. Plus, I think that's a cop-out. They also say, "Well, society looks down on interracial couples." That's fine, and we've dealt with the problems of the world...it would, however, be extremely nice to be able to feel safe and supported within our own FAMILIES!!!

Geez, I have so much to say...

One more thing...

Do you think it's possible that it's just a preference? For example, some women like thin guys, some like fat ones, some like blue eyes and blond hair, some like dark complexions, etc. Is there really that much of a difference? Ken and I both come from middle-class neighborhoods with two parents who loved us very much, we went to private school and then to college. Besides race, our backgrounds are very similar. True, our experiences were different because of our respective races, but I don't think race is as much an issue as class. Just to throw it out there....

4. Understanding Your Mate
Fri, Sep 17, 1999 - 11:21 PM/EST
myahsmithe

There have been only three messages posted from our group so far and the conversations are addressing so many important issues. I believe that it is possible for us all to understand our mates. It may however take more compassion, time and empathy than we are welling or able to invest. My husband is more than a decade older than I am and we come from total different generations and economic backgrounds. Yet, we are able to span the gaps with a lot of open,non-judgemental dialouge and disagreement. The difference in race is not what I find difficult, the differences in genders is more of a challenge. Understanding your mate can be easy. The world understanding/accepting your choice can be a big struggle.

5. Friends forever
Sat, Sep 18, 1999 - 2:15 AM/EST

The thing I love most about the Sims family is the feeling that they are committed and friends. Its wonderful to see people not afraid of their choices....and hanging on in there.. to be who they are. Why we get together and why we stay together I dont think is so important....or even if we understand each other completely....the wonderful interest and communication I saw in this family for each other was like a road map. They are in one sense a normal family....loving, surviving, authentic...regardless of the bagage they brought with them and the judgement of others. The courage to be who they are........It is very refreshing and an incouragement...for family relations and all other relationships.

6. Understanding your mate
Sat, Sep 18, 1999 - 10:16 AM/EST
elizabethrlk

I too started watching the series to see how a couple of such different backgrounds got along in this world..the struggles they faced etc. The more i watched thought the more i realized that Bill and Karen were sooooooo much like my husband and me who are both of the same race. We deal with many of the same issues and agendas that Karen and Bill do. That's why i think that this series is so important. It's such a catalist for people who would normally react to this bi-racial couple with intolerance to sit back and think that in reality we are ALL so much alike!! We all have bills to pay, kids to support, garbage to take out..the color of our skin is so inconsequential when it comes to these things.. ..why oh why can't people see that?!?!?!?!? Bill and Karen showed us all just that and that's such a huge lesson to take away from this series. Black, white, yellow, olive or red we are all humans just wanting to make our way in this world. Peace :-)

7. Understanding your mate
Sat, Sep 18, 1999 - 11:38 AM/EST
annetta

I watched all eight segments of "An American Love Story", and though I commend Karen and Bill for their strength and courage, what impacted me the most was the children. I know I am going to piss off a lot of people, but I just don't think it is a good idea to have children of two races, most especially white and black. I am not saying that their won't be difficulties in any relationship I just think that you are asking for trouble when you mix the two most antagonistic races. Their is so much racial tension between white and blacks that having children is just a tragedy. (Uh oh!) I would like to say "we are all the same", well we are not! Back to biracial children, I feel sorry for them, because just like Cicily experienced, there will come a time in their lives when they have to make a choice of who or what they want to be, meaning black or white. Now I know that that is not right or fair, but that is how it is. They look at themselves and say I have a black mother and a white father or vice versa, and I love both of them equally, but the world sees black. And people for the most part sees black, only black. That is why I think it is a terrible thing to do to a child. Children have enough to deal with, without having to decide what race they are, which is a shame that they should have to. That is why I am really against the black and white mixing thing but that is just how the children come out mixed up, confused. In a perfect world, biracial children could just be, but it is not a perfect world and the fact is they will probably deal with more prejudice than a child who was only black. Because when you are black, you deal with mainly prejudice from whites, but when you are black and white, you deal with prejudice from all sides.

8. General/Cicily
Sun, Sep 19, 1999 - 7:59 AM/EST
meejoh

Instead of feeling sorry for the children of mixed races, I envy them. I truly think they are the children of the Future. As the movie illustrated, if there is a strong sense of belonging coming from the home, a sense of "self" (if only in the early stages) than all that external stimuli isn't so critical or damanging. Who cares what the "others" think of you. Although Cicily was seen as black, at college she opted to join a white sorority and was accepted for being herself within it. Even at dances and clubs when she had to sit on the sidelines when no one asked her to dance and no males approached her, it wasn't anything devastating. She kept going out with her friends. She was bigger than the moment and took it all in as experience. Cicily is way above most people, largely because of her unique perspective. The world is becoming very small. When Cicily was in Africa and the black students kept bemoaning her about being accepted in the "community" I kept thinking how it's not so simple anymore. It's a new world with so many things opening up this country to new possibilities that why would anyone want to close themselves into one community. We are in the throes of changing landscapes in this country, there is so much that is new and becoming, that to close one's mind now is Stupid. See One Nation as an ideal and live it as close as possible. People do change. I've seen it.

9. responding to annetta
Sun, Sep 19, 1999 - 10:54 AM/EST
aduni

WOW! I'm sorry that you feel the way that you do about biracial children. It makes me pretty sad. As the mother of two biracial kids I know that most of this country sees them as black. As they get older I know that we will make sure they know that so when they get out into the world it won't be a shock. More and more biracial people are identifying as such (see the news about changes in the 2000 census). Things change. Racial mixing is not new. And just out of curiosity, what is that you thing is soo different among blacks and whites that makes relationships a bad idea??????

10. Biracial Children
Sun, Sep 19, 1999 - 4:20 PM/EST
eve

I think that biracial kids have a opportunity to experience the two worlds. It may not always be easy and yes a choice someday will be made but unfortunately life is all about choices and struggles. Life consists of degrees of struggles and while the magnitude is not always the same life is not easy lets say if you grow up as a fat kid, a poor kid or have a parent who is mentally ill or you have a disability. If we don't embrace the difference can we ever see past them? Just as a FYI....There is a good book it is called "HOPE" by Isabell Monk, about a little girl who is biracial and how her great aunt explains it to her. It is agreat book for little kids and also for adults.

11. response to anetta
Sun, Sep 19, 1999 - 10:15 PM/EST
elizabethrlk

I think that your view of "race mixing" is exactly what will keep racist people stuck in the same mind set that has plagued this country for hundreds of years...instead of concentrating on how different we all are we need to find common ground...black, asian, hispanic, native american...whatever you are there is something that ties you to the human race..something that makes us similiar..wether it be you like the color orange and so do i or we share the same affinity for loud rock music. This is what will eventually bring us together..for once we find something we have in common with a person of another race the higher our comfort level will be with that person...so challenge yourself anetta..challenge yourself to see the simililarities and then maybe you can take the next step to understanding...

12. Response to Annetta
Mon, Sep 20, 1999 - 11:42 AM/EST
treytrav

Why is it so different in your eyes if white/black mix - is it wrong if Jewish/white mix, what about mexican/white - there is no difference - your thinking yes will keep this a racist world. I agreed with what you said in your introduction - but sorry I don't agree with what you are saying now. I have two beautiful children whom are biracial and they will grow up with the best of both worlds - they will learn what it's like in both worlds and they will be themselves. They will be stong and proud because that's what we will teach them.

Sorry to see you feel how you do . . . :-(

13. understanding your mate
Mon, Sep 20, 1999 - 4:03 PM/EST
annetta

Okay! In response to everyone and you know who you

are, I didn't make the world the way it is. I also no that I am not the only one who feels this way but oh well. I still think it is a bad idea for people to have a black/white child, even though I totally sympathize with parents of biracial children. All I did was voice an opinion that was mine. I am sorry offended so many people but it still doesn't change anything.

So, I put this question to all of you who so vehemently objected to what I said. Why is it a good idea to have children of particularly black/white races. I wait on your replies, and as for eve I think it was as to why I totally against the black/white mixing thing. You know why but if

you want me to spell it out it is because their is

so much hate between these two particular races.

14. black/white mixing thing
Mon, Sep 20, 1999 - 5:08 PM/EST
aduni

OK. So I read the bios after I quickly responded to your post Annette. My response before was aimed at a white woman. Having read your bio (as an African-American woman) - you OBVIOUSLY know what racism is, how it feels and impacts your life. I can now understand your point about biracial being an additional consideration or problem. I had this conversation with my mom the other night because she asked the same question - is it harder to get it from both sides? I don't know - I think that in some cases it will be - but for a lot of America my kids are black not biracial. The flip side of this is that in Nigeria where my husband is from our kids would be considered white......

15. Re: black/white mixing thing
Mon, Sep 20, 1999 - 6:02 PM/EST
rain

To aduni...

I'm puzzled that you seem to be more accepting of the comments annetta made because she's not white. Is it somehow more acceptable to you that a black woman considers the fact that you and your husband have children together a "tragedy"? Her feeling "sorry for them" is somehow okay, because she's not white? I think your #9 response was absolutely on-target, and you posed a valid question. What is so different indeed....