Topic #4. Discussing Race issues
(Showing 1-15 of 16)

1. Discussing Race issues
Mon, Sep 13, 1999 - 9:28 PM/EST

I’m excited about this group so let’s get right to it.

I know that not everyone in the group is involved in a bi-racial relationship, (I think I like bi-racial better than inter-racial. Somehow inter-racial makes it sound like I’m having a relationship with a salamander or some other non-human species) but for those of you who are; how much time do you spend talking about issues involving race? If you’ve read my introduction you know that my wife and I live in a small town where there are very few black people and no other biracial couples that I know of. We do not spend much time talking about issues of race unless something like this PBS special comes along. Sometimes I think we should talk about it more, especially since we have children in school who may soon encounter the prejudice of others. My children are ages 8, 7, and 6 and only the 8-year-old has ever even indicated that she sees that mommy and daddy look different. What have the rest of you experienced in this area? Do you and you partners talk much about race issues?

2. Add my thoughts
Mon, Sep 13, 1999 - 10:06 PM/EST
jay

The racial angle doesn't enter into my relationship right now,but my uncle was the child of a bi-racial family. He grew up along with my parents and I never heard a word of any problems when he and my aunt decided to marry. My two cousins(their children)did have trouble when they went into school and have had to deal with prejudice in both their professional and persoal lives. Watching them,I believe that the childeren of bi-racial families should be told from an early age that some people will give them trouble for no better reason than they look different from others.

Then their parents can give them the support and love it takes to overcome those problems and become strong and successful human beings. Both of my cousins have good,rich lives and are raising families of their own,and teaching their kids about being proud of their heritage.

3. Discussing race
Mon, Sep 13, 1999 - 10:57 PM/EST
joyw

My husband and I rarely discuss race issues directly. I find it really hard to start the discussion with him. I hoped (and am still hoping) that this series will help our discussions. We have very different ways of coping with the problems we encounter (racial or otherwise) and his way of coping doesn't involve a lot of talking about it. I'd rather talk more, but I'm not sure how to bring the topic up.

My son has occasionally noted differences in people's skin (he has grandparents who are "pink like Mom" and "brown like Dad") but I don't think he comprehends the concept of race as a divider of people. I struggle to balance preparing him for the realities of life (that race is an issue for most people) and not making him defensive about his racial "status".

Joy

4. Talking to one partner on RACE
Tue, Sep 14, 1999 - /EST
shel

Hello everyone I find that my husband and I talk about race if its black or white. We feel that its important to talk about these relationships.

because were live in a very small town were there are no other black Americans for I say about 25 miles. And we as responable parents need to discuss the issues in the fore front about race and not try to hide it.

5. Race Discussions?
Tue, Sep 14, 1999 - /EST
sadsack

I have desperately little dating experience, but 17 years i nthe National Guard gave me friends with whome I discussed family, work, food but only rarely race.

I can remember one friend who was angry when he said he knew all about what being black was about. I think I'd made the mistake (?) of saying that individuals experiences are different enough that there will always be some part no one else understands.

It didn't help that I also said I knew he would always understand far more about other black people than me. I don't think he stayed upset, but I remember it, from '89. I hope it was still good that we talked. I can understand people finding it difficult to get started.

Please don't be hard on yourselves or each other.

6. Discussing race
Tue, Sep 14, 1999 - /EST
shel

this message is for joy. maybe this book might

help you with your little boy. I got it for my

girls its called Black is Brown is Tan. It's about

an inter-racial couple and there two little boys. here's a little bit of the mothers part

by her son ( is dark is light singing songs in singing night kiss big woman hug big man black is brown is tan this is the way it is for us this is the way we are i am mom am mommy mama mamu meeny muh and mom again with mighty hugs and hairbrush mornings catching curls later we sit by the window and your head is up against my chest we read and tickle and sing the words into the air go out to cut wood for the fire or cook the corn and chicken legs and you say you getting bigger than me and you say chocolate momma chocolate up the milk and i say drink the milk and laugh out loud i am black i am brown the milk is chocolate brown i am the color of the milk chocolate cheeks and hands that darken in the summer sun a nose that peels brown skin in august i am black i am a brown sugar gown a tasty tan and coffee pumkin pie with dark brown eyes and almond ears and my face gets ginger red when i puff and yelll you into bed this is the way it is for us this is the way we are. This book is by Arnold Adoff it might help

michele

7. Race Issue
Tue, Sep 14, 1999 - 12:47 PM/EST
kail

I'm married to a black man for 6 years now. We have a 2.5 year old son who doesn't speak much yet, but we have noticed, that if he see a picture of white, blond women, he says "Mommy" and if he sees a black man he says "Daddy". So I guess in this early age children do recognize the differences.

We talk about racial issue only when it comes up on TV or everyday life brings it to our attention. As far as we are concerned, there's is NO issue, but we find ourselfs to be consious about people around us. I guess our eyes are always open...

8. Black is brown is tan is white
Tue, Sep 14, 1999 - 4:33 PM/EST
joyw

To Michelle,

Thanks--my brother-in-law gave the book to my son when he was born, and he chooses to have it read to him every once in a while. It is a great book for kids. (As an aside, I started a discussion on the Soap Box for people to list any books for kids or otherwise, so if you've got more, please add). My son has only had a couple of instances where other kids have made an issue of his race (and fortunately none when adults have made a big deal about it) and I struggle to mend the hurt feelings without making the race issue even bigger in his mind.

The flip side of my efforts to play down race is my efforts to make sure my son is exposed to the black community as well as the predominantly white community in which we live. It was a small victory for me when he was invited to join in a play group (of sorts) in which all the other kids were black. I worry that if he doesn't have these relationships, he will want to distance himself from that part of his heritage.

Joy

9. Discussing race and the show
Tue, Sep 14, 1999 - 5:58 PM/EST
nancy

My husband and I rarely talk about race--we are too busy talking about life. But, when we visit his family he gets a kick out of his dad's old way of thinking that everything is a plot against Blacks (my husband's words). The ultimate compliment I got from one of my brothers-in-law was when he called me nigger in an affectionate way that only Blacks can do. It was funny to see his face when he realized what he had done--he was afraid I'd be offended! My husband is disgusted with some of the Black men on the show--especially the guy on the bus who made a big deal about where Cicily was sitting. He hates to see Black people turn everyday disagreements into a racial issue. My kids are an interesting mixture--one is very light but has loosely curled hair that he tends to wear very short. The other looks Hispanic and has straight hair. They are comfortable with themselves and figure if anyone doesn't like them, then the other person has the problem.

10. Your Son
Tue, Sep 14, 1999 - 6:08 PM/EST
shel

Joy

I really think you are on the right track. In the far future only your son will make the difference as to what he does with his life. We as parents are always afraid of what's out there for our children. It really doesn't matter if there black, White, hispanic,oriental if someone does like them there nothing we can do about it. Someone will also find something about someone else they don't like.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you can't please all of the people all of the time.

11. Nigeria on the show
Tue, Sep 14, 1999 - 8:10 PM/EST
partner

What struck me particularly about the daughter's

experiences in Nigeria -- aside form the attitude

of her African American fellow students -- was the

Nigerian reversal of the classic Anglo American

mindset. You know the one: "one drop of non-white

blood makes you not white." She said the Nigerian

cultural mindset was that being half-white made

her white. One drop of non-black blood made her

not black. She said she found that very weird. I

think most Americans

12. To Joy
Tue, Sep 14, 1999 - 11:11 PM/EST
interracial

You mentioned your difficulty with raising race issues with your husband. I recall the same difficulty when I was married. After years of trying, and he avoiding, I realized that his pain with racism is what contributed to his inability or unwillingness to discuss it. If he did discuss it, it was when he was angry.

Perhaps he also thought that as a white woman I couldn't relate, which is true, but I could listen.

In our situation, we had a hard time dealing with some of the race issues. I found myself constantly on the defensive with him over race issues as he constantly blamed the "white man" and Asian community whenever something went wrong relating to his job and cried discrimination whenever he didn't get his way. He despised Asian people and whenever we saw Asians in public he would make fun of them. Whenever things went wrong it was the "white man" or the Asian community who were responsible and never himself or us.

Years of this took its toll on me and compounded with other issues, I terminated the marriage. We married too young (both 20) and grew in different directions, had different priorities, had different parenting styles, etc. Race was the least of our problems, really, but it became an issue for him when things weren't going his way.

13. Race on the brain...
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - 3:55 PM/EST

Do my husband and I talk about race and the issues it brings up? Of course. We recently moved from MD to SC. Everyday at my husbands job he feels the blows of racism. It is very hurtful. My husband has never experienced this before. He doesn't understand why people look at the skin. Honestly, I don't either. But, talking about it to each other helps both of us cope, especially with our new surroundings.

14. No Anonimity here
Sun, Sep 19, 1999 - 7:10 PM/EST

I am glad to read with less and less anonimity of some of the lives and relationships of very deserving people. To me I am sort of intimidated by some of the candid talk on the internet. So much of our self growth is through groups of similar impacted individuals that have a mutual respect for one another, and offer help without being defensive. I applaud the Wilson/Sims family because they could have done this anonomously,like so many of us today. This is a very creative forum and I like it. Lets rid the anonomous syndrome. I hope someone prospers from this interaction between us.

15. is it race you talk about, or is it learning about each other??
Sun, Sep 19, 1999 - 11:06 PM/EST
dip

My wife and I have been reading the posts of several topics this evening and it has occured to us that most of the time too much emphasis is placed on race. If and when a situation or topic presents itself, we discuss it as two individuals. If race is a factor we discuss it as a piece of the complete puzzle. Most of the time when we discuss race it's because one of us has a question about the others culture, political opinion, etc... For example ; after being married for 2 weeks, we traveled together to my younger brother's graduation at The Univ. of Notre Dame. While attending the ceremony ( a seperate ceremony for the african americans)she noticed that the closing song was listed as " The Black National Anthem ", " We Shall Overcome " She had never heard that there is such a thing as a " black national anthem " existed. This prompted a discussion about why such things exist in todays "unbiased" society. She specifically asked about why there continued to be a Miss Black America pageant even after blacks have been included in the Miss America pageant? I explained that though I have no idea what the official pagaent position is , my position (for continuation of the black pageants, national anthem, etc.)can be explained by the following analogy ; If in todays society you become of legal age to drive, but regardless of how much you prove you're trustworthy, reliable, capable, responsible, etc... your parents won't let you drive the family car. So, you go out work hard while still going to school and doing everything you're supposed to and buy yourself a car. After some time passes, your parents realize the err of their ways and allow you to drive the family car, do you then abandon the car that you worked hard for when the family car was off limits ??? No, you are proud of your car and so you keep it and continue to use it even though you now also have access to the family car.