Topic #7. What are your personal biases?
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1. What are your personal biases?
Tue, Sep 14, 1999 - 7:11 PM/EST

As I watch the TV show I am checking for my own personal biases. I caught myself thinking that the wife was supporting the family and felt very negative towards the husband because he doesn't appear to have a "job" and has admitted he is an alcoholic. I was upset that he cautioned ciciley against a relationship with a foreigner because they are looking for a green card. This is one of the most insulting thing you can say to a person involved in a relationship with a foreigner. I know my personal biases in favor of my own race and gender sometimes get in the way of my professional decisions. I feel that being aware of them helps to lesson the damage.

2. personal biases
Tue, Sep 14, 1999 - 7:27 PM/EST
ambers.

I have some personal biases but I don't know how to describe them. I am not against african americans, but I do not walk in their shoes when it comes to being discriminated against. When I encounter an african american person I am cautious that they will percieve some action of mine to be racist because of bad experiences in the past. When I was a kid I envied the little girl in school who had these wonderful cornrows. I wanted to touch one and see how the beads stayed on. Her friends called me a racist for doing that. Later on I made friends with her (because we had some things in common, not because of my fixation on her hair). I remember going to her house and watching Roots with her family. I felt very alientated from them and very guilty for being white when the white characters were treating the black characters so badly. That has stuck with me to this day. Sometimes I am tentative when approaching an african american because of this. I don't ever want to offend.

My friend who teaches a class on interculturalism says that this is a form of racism. I guess it is but I had never thought of myself that way before. I believe that inside we are all souls, not our bodies. And yet that barrier comes between us--how we see ourselves, how we see others, and how we see ourselves in relation to others. I am often scared to make that first step because I don't want to offend. Does that make any sense at all??

As far as Cicily's father cautioning her against foreigners, yes I agree that it was an insult. As the wife of a foreigner from India, I can say that the green card process is a nuicance but it is not why we married. In fact, we are talking about living there for awhile after we have kids.

3. Personal biases
Tue, Sep 14, 1999 - 8:52 PM/EST

Hmmm, it's difficult to be totally honest with one's self about that. Always, it seems my first instinct would be to say I haven't any.

Ofcourse, I am very impatient with people who are 'red-neck' in their interpretations of others. And I have an emotional bias against the German people because of the holocaust. (although I intellectually know it has nothing to do with the Germans per se.)

Atleast, I have recognized that I'm not immune to bias and this awareness has it's advantages.

4. Personal Biases
Tue, Sep 14, 1999 - 9:01 PM/EST
bigt_iii

Amber-I understand! People of all races seem to be so sensitive-I think our society makes us feel uncomfortable. Racism, being politically correct, sexism, homophobia, etc. all play a part in not wanting to offend. I live in a predominately black world socially-and at times I am told that I am not white by my friends, but at the same time I am reminded almost on a day to day basis that I am white. We pick and choose sometimes so that we can feel like the majority! I am the the minority around my friends, but at the same time I'm the majority because I am white-you figure. I have learned just recently that many of my friends have not grown up around other races-and accept only what they know or have been taught. Ignorance is not racism-it is purely ignorance. Amber, I encourage you and others to step into the relm of another race and culture and learn-don't be afraid to offend. The greater offense would be to stay in our little comfortable bubbles and wonder...

5. Racism
Tue, Sep 14, 1999 - 9:11 PM/EST

It may be treading a thin line, to say that ignorance is 'just' ignorance and not racism.

Too many times, the ignorance is accepted and the ensuing results of that ignorance still wreak havoc on us as a society.

Wouldn't it be true also, that any racism could be traced to some modicum of ignorance??

I just know, from personal experience, that the most ignorant (and therefore not meant in malice) remark, has truely offended and hurt me.

So many times, as I was growing up in the Southern U.S., comments were made about Jews. It has stayed with me and it still stings in my memory...

6. If You Do What You Always Did...
Tue, Sep 14, 1999 - 10:26 PM/EST
jonathan

bigt_iii said to ambers, "I encourage you and others to step into the realm of another race and culture and learn--don't be afraid to offend. The greater offense would be to stay in our little comfortable bubbles and wonder..."

Yes. I have a bias in favor of encouraging a person speak his or her truth with openness and emotional honesty. This means I have a bias against any attempts to censor or marginalize people based on notions of political correctness.

It is not possible for us to make any progress in improving intergroup relations unless we are willing to launch out, try new approaches, air controversial views, and especially make mistakes. One thing I've observed in the field of race relations is that no matter what steps you take, in whatever direction, there's some bombastic blowhard who'll try to shut you down or label you a racist on the basis that you took *the wrong* step, in *the wrong* direction, at *the wrong* rate of speed.

On the other hand, as comedienne Moms Mabley said, "If you do what you always did, you're gonna get what you've always got." So let's be willing to shuck the straight jackets of political correctness in favor of taking some emotional risks.

7. Bag of Worms
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - /EST
resa

1) I honestly believe a lot of African-American men who are married to or are in relationships with white women had serious problems with their racial identity prior to entering into those unions. It seems like most of the women in these relationships have/had no African-American friends are assoc. before and during the relationships and don't appear to have a clue about Black people, culture, etc.

2) In general, caucasian men are willing to admit they are attracted to African-American women and engage in relationships, as long as their involvement can be hidden from their friends, family and co-workers.

3) I would have cautioned Cicily developing a sexual relationship, with or without a condom, with any Nigerian because of the cultural tendency towards having multiple partners and the rampant spread of AIDS in Africa.

4) The immigration issue is a reality. What caring parent wouldn't suggest that the desire to obtain a green card might be a possibility? I married and divorced a Nigerian and acknowledge that my views result from that experience and the experiences of friends who found themselves in similar situations.

As for Amber's fears: There is a certain amount of "fear" involved for most people whenever meet someone. I understand your apprehensions but encourage you to take the risk. There are people who will appreciate your willingness to try.

8. Thanks for feedback
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - 1:43 AM/EST
ambers.

Thanks for the feedback. You're right-- in any new encounter there is a sense of nervousness. I will try harder to be more relaxed and let the relationship grow as it may. I have a good friendship with a man at work who happens to be african american. We found a common bond in that we both have spouses of different races than ourselves. At first that's what we talked about primarily but now we just talk about whatever comes up. Today I realized for the first time, "Wow! The boundaries are down and I feel comfortable with this person."

Thanks for allowing me to be honest about my feelings on this board and not attacking me. Trust was built tonight.

In the future, do you have any suggestions for helping me feel more at ease in first encounters? I did not grow up in a racially mixed place and don't have much experience in that area. I think it's easier to approach a foreign person because there is not the intense history that exists between african american and caucasion people. I don't always know what that person's frame of reference is.

I'm not sure what more to say about the immigration issue except that my husband's parents did not encourage him to stay. He was supposed to go home after two years of study. His parents would have rather had him home than a green card and half a world away.

9. Biases/racism/bag of worms
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - 2:29 PM/EST
bigt_iii

Susilawm-hello! Perhaps we need to understand the difference between ignorance and stupidity... Ignorance or the lack of knowledge in and of itself doesn't become racism--but, if I act out of ignorance or I refuse to accept that I am ignorant and act anyway-then am I being stupid? I am ignorant of many things and am learning all the time, especially as I read everyones thoughts. My war is against stupidity! Ignorance in most cases is innocent and eventhough innocence can hurt-it is the pains of stupidity that form the true roots of racism.

Jonathan-"emotional risks" I like the notion that it is ok to take emotional risks. I believe that being emotional is a positive thing and it is only society that teaches us that being emotional is weak or damaging. I have learned to control my emotions because most people can not dwell in the land of emotionalism-it kinda scares them. I am looking for some emotional risk takers-how bout you?

resa-Perhaps we should have met a long time ago! I personally do not like the phrase "problems w/ racial identity"-it is used to often to describe why one may dwell/live/relate outside of their race. I was raised around all whites for the first 12 years of my life-dead end street-small town of 3500 in Illinois. Only time I saw other minorities (mostly black) were on TV-and we all know what picture that painted. But, my parents taught me what true love is all about-and so when most of my real experiences with minorities turned out negative-it still did not keep me from seeing that people are good and bad (sometimes all in one) and that good and bad is not directly tied to the color of their skin, their race, or culture. I fell in love with my wife for many reasons-but one of them was not because I had problems with racial identity. I say all that to say that perhaps most of the black men that marry or relate outside of their race has nothing to do with identity but has to do with NEEDS!

10. resa continued
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - 2:33 PM/EST
bigt_iii

My black brothers have had to carry many labels-some of them imposed on them by black women. Perhaps those that have been placed upon them by their own queens have hurt the most! I see brothers apologizing to sisters all the time but have yet to see a sister apologize to one of my brothers. I can truely say that I love you my wise and beautiful older sister. I look forward to relating to you and am so glad that we have met. take care-TONY

11. personal biases
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 6:48 AM/EST

Jonathan and bigt iii, thank you for your advice. I have to comunicate with a diverse population in the course of my work but I have not taken the risk to do this in my personal life. I have made this a personal goal to reach out, be controversial, and ignore the inevitable critism.

12. it happened again today!
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 9:10 PM/EST
ambers.

Hi, all,

I have a perfect example of an awkward situation. Today I was walking on the sidewalk to my doctor's office when a car pulled up next to me in the parking lot. It slowed and stopped a few times first, like the people were lost. I could not see who was in the car because there were heavily tinted windows on the car. I stared at the car because I expected someone to roll down the window and ask directions. Finally a young girl about 12 years old got out. She appeared to be african american but I didn't give her appearance a thought at the time. I was confused and stared at her in a confused sort of way because I expected her to ask directions and instead she got out. She glared at me and shook her head and walked briskly into the doctor's office. I got in there and the receptionist asked the girl where her mom was. The girl said her mom was parking the car. I laughed and said, "I didn't mean to stare at you--I thought you were going to ask me directions!" She glared at me again, shook her head, and sat down. Her mom came in and then I relized the girl was biracial with a white mother and a (I am guessing) african american father. I tried to make eye contact with her to smile or something but she just kept looking at the ground. Am I reading into this too much, or did I offend this girl? This is what I'm talking about.

Thanks,

Amber

13. biases
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 9:21 PM/EST
deepwaters

I never realized some people have to find ways to talk to other people. Something is very wrong with this picture. On one hand I appreciate Amber being so open about wanting to relate to black people,but on the other hand, something is wrong with trying to find a formula to speak to people of another culture or race. Maybe I just don't get it!!! I meet and greet most people warmly and comfortablely and never even think about their color until someone or something reminds me. I think it's more like, I realize they may be white, but "so what"? what would make me think I couldn't talk to them? I often speak to young sisters, who express surprise in being able to speak to a white person and not feel judged, or ignorant, like they were treated like a human being and they seem surprised to have things in common....all of us hurt, need friends, can love, can touch, and learn from each other. I beleive that's why we work among each other, to learn to accept and rejoice in each others differences, yet know that we really share so much. Somehow this discussion just saddens me. But I appreciate everyone's honesty. It's tough to live in America??

14. Tough
Fri, Sep 17, 1999 - 1:05 PM/EST
ambers.

deepwaters , there is a lot of truth in your comments. The only thing is that I did not notice the color of the girl *at all* until later. It was the furthest thing from my mind! I thought she was going to ask for directions, that's all. Then I tried to figure out why she kept glaring at me and shaking her head, as if I had offended her somehow. I can't think of another reason why she would think that I had been rude and started at her unless it was about something that she's very sensitive about.

I don't treat anyone different than anyone else on purpose. They are all just human beings. I look everyone in the eyes, am nice, smile, etc. There is a woman at work who used to be a man. I have never treated her any different than a professional person, even venturing a few jokes with her and such as I would with anyone else. I feel totally comfortable with her. Others sometimes treat her badly or ignore her, though.

Let's explore the situation above a little more and see if you can come up with another reason why this girl would continue to glare at me and shake her head.

Thanks

15. How about this one!
Sun, Sep 19, 1999 - 4:13 PM/EST
bigt_iii

amber

Perhaps the little gorl gets stared at a lot! When she is with her mother alone or even when she is with both her parents. Perhaps she has formulated a negative feeling towards those that stare. I would hope that more of us would take on a more positive approach to people who stare-much like my wife's. My wife teaches both me and my daughter to take the "staring" opportunity and turn it into something positive. If someone stares and it is possible-we are encouraged to approach the person or persons and ask them "is there something I could help you with" and then enter into a short conversation with them. Most of the time people are curious and so they stare.

I am biased-but some people stare at my 4 yr old girl (Allyn) because she is so cute!

Stares do not always demote something negative and it is our repsonsibility-those being stared at-to take the initiative to change that stare into a positive experience. Yes! there will be times when one would not want to engage in conversation and simply stay away from the situation-but I believe those will be exceptions to the rule.

amber-I beleive the shaking of the head is something that the little girl has learned from others around her. Its a technique that some of us use to make the other person feel bad. Sometimes we use a little exhale or sign to accentuate the shake of the head. Somewhat of a non-verbal for "your ignorant" or "there's another one". I am disturbed that our children are picking up on our negative behaviors. let's not perpetuate these behaviors through our children-let's break the chain that binds us and keeps us from embracing our differences.

Hope this helps-just one perspective-I hope others will add theirs... :-)