Topic #6. Why does my Child have to choose?
(Showing 1-9 of 9)

1. Why does my Child have to choose?
Tue, Sep 14, 1999 - 7:08 PM/EST
bigt_iii

My 4 year old daughter has a olive skinned daddy (white) and a dark brown mommy (black); I am angered by the fact that society-more so some of my friends-feel that she must choose a side or better yet that she is black by law. I say society can kiss my _ _ _. Reality is one thing-but when we sit in my house we are a family full of richness, not individuals defined by the beautiful shades of our skin. Just a side note (perhaps funny to some) Why do blacks and whites alike want to touch my daughters hair-they actually seem to enjoy how it feels! It is beautiful-but so is my wife's very close natural. he he

2. We chose for our future children
Tue, Sep 14, 1999 - 7:50 PM/EST
ambers.

I noticed in the TV show that the parents of the girls both agreed to raise them as black, but the girls themselves didn't see each other that way. They felt that they weren't accepted into black culture.

I'm not sure how it will go with our future children in reality, but we made a choice long back that we will raise them as Indians who also happen to be Americans. I think that if we raise them that way they will be accepted. Yes, part of our decision was because of their probable appearance. Most of it has to do with our faith. I will never be accepted as an Indian because of my appearance. There have been a few times when I was not allowed into places in India because I was not Indian. Our kids will not have that problem. Although many Indians will still label them as "anglo-Indian", many more will accept them into the culture. I don't think most Americans will see our children as fully American. My husband and I share a common faith and I think that our faith will hold us together more than anything.

Although ideally we should all be accepted everywhere and there should not be any grouping of "insiders" and "outsiders", the reality is that it's much easier to be part of a group that floating around in-between groups. It takes a strong person to "float" and it's hard for a child to be forced into the situation of not really belonging anywhere when they are forming who they are and what they believe. When the child is older he or she can find him/herself independant of the group. That is the sign of a whole person, regardless of what group they associate with or not.

I may change my mind when we actually have children. I think that parenting is an experiment of trials and errors. Being interracial and intercultural just makes it more complicated.

3. Racial Identity is Become Mutable Identity
Tue, Sep 14, 1999 - 10:10 PM/EST
jonathan

I'm thinking about ambers' statement: "It takes a strong person to 'float' and it's hard for a child to be forced into the situation of not really belonging anywhere when they are forming who they are and what they believe."

At the onset of the 20th century, sociologist W.E.B. DuBois said that the problem of the 20th century is the problem of the color line. I believe he was correct, but that the meaning of the term "color line" has shifted in the past decades. As we enter the 21st century, the color line is, for an increasing number of people, a dotted line. The dotted color line is a mutable membrane through which some may choose to cross back and forth at will.

In the last century, racial identity was regarded as fixed, permanent, unchangeable; in the new millennium, racial identity will come to be seen as a socially constructed reality which is mutable. One can wear different clothes for different occasions; and in the same way, we can change which authentic aspects of our socially constructed identities we choose to display depending on our mood and the social context.

A person may decide on one day to feature her Phillipina identity, and on another, her Latina identity, and on another, the Asian facets of her identity, and on some occasions, she may decide just to clothe herself in the identity of one American, created by God, indivisible, with the full liberty to change which aspects of her authentic identity she will show the world tomorrow.

Ambers, I think that it is difficult to force a child to choose *only one* identity, but easy to recognize a child's right to honor all parts of her ethnic and cultural heritage(s).

4. Curiosity
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - 1:20 AM/EST
resa

I was at my grandson's all white (not my choice)pre-school and observed one of the other children rubbing his beautiful brown skin. The teacher saw the incident and rushed over to scold the child. My 4 yr old grandson said he had repeatedly asked the little boy to stop but the child continued to touch him. So, I calmly asked the child why he was so fastinated with Ricky's (not his name) skin. "I like the way he feels" was his reply. The teacher was so embarassed she turned beet red. That incident reminded me of the time I was a participant in a Mock United Nations at in 1968 or '69. Pierre Trudeau was the keynote speaker. There were students from all over the region serving a "delegates" from participating countries. One of the boys at my table insisted on shaking my hand for what seemed like and eternity. When our grasp was finally released, he carefully examined his hands. He then explained that he had never had the opportunity to meet a black person. He'd always heard that if you touched a black person the color would rub off. He wanted to see if this was really true....BTW My grandson has a head full of soft fluffy curls. I love to run my fingers through his hair.

5. Choosing
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - 1:22 AM/EST
ely

At the poetry reading I attended tonight, one of the poems contained the idea (this is NOT a direct quote): "I am the successor to John Updike; I am the successor to Langston Hughes." It seemed to me that this young poet had it figured out--what to choose . . . -e-

6. Good point, Johnathan
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - 1:29 AM/EST
ambers.

Johnathan,

"Ambers, I think that it is difficult to force a child to choose *only one* identity, but easy to recognize a child's right to honor all parts of her ethnic and cultural heritage(s). "

That's a good point!

I am Hindu and I dress as a Hindu in religious/cultural events. At work, I dress as a typical American in slacks and blouses. It would be the same for our children. They would dress/act/integrate appropriately, but inside they would know that they are in a Hindu family, and they are at least part Indian. I will never be Indian because of my skin color but I can cross that dotted line by my faith and marriage into Indian culture. Our children will be able to cross that line, too, but like Cicily, it will be hard for our child to fit totally 100%into either culture. I still think the child will feel more at home in Indian culture, if there's a strong community and the child knows his/her daddy's language, and we practice that faith, and go to India each year to visit the grandparents. But they will also be American, living here, having American friends. It's tough. I'll never know what that's like. All I can do is give my child the tools and exposure to dwell easily in both worlds.

In the end it is my child's choice. I care more about the child turning out to be a good person than anything else. I just want our child to be kind and do the right thing, to be a good friend and spouse, and make the world a little better.

7. Chosing for your child
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 1:46 AM/EST
resa

Race is an inescapable factor woven into the fabric of this country. Now, you can certainly choose not to guide your child in either direction. But having know a number of multi-racial children and adults, I can tell you out those who seem to adjust best in this society were taught, early on, to identify with African-Americans. There is a tendency for young children to want to identify with their mothers. Perhaps its because in most households they are the primary caregivers. What happens when the mother is caucasian and the child looks

more like the African-American, Hispanic, etc. parent? No doubt, this child will be subjected to the bombardment of messages that suggest America's preference towards fairer skinned people. Ad to that the desire to be like the parent closest to the child and I'd say the situation is ripe for conflict. Certainly, these children should experience both cultures. But, if the mother is white, a particular effort should be made to ensure that the child has positive black, etc. experiences and develops a sense of pride about his/her ethnicity. Children can develop a sense of belonging in many ways. There are churches, Girl and Boy Scouts, etc. but most important is the extended family, blood and chosen. To identify with one race or the other is not a necessarily a rejection of a parent or denial of a heritage. If a child chooses a different religion than the parent, does that mean they don't love the parent? Yes, identity is a much larger issue. Children need grounding that extends beyond their household and immediate family. Maybe that's what was missing in Cicily's life.

8. Why Does My Child have to Choose?
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 5:34 PM/EST
bigt_iii

resa-I agree about race being woven into the fabric of this country-and it is reality-but the less of an issue we make it the less of an issue it will become. Perhaps we don't want to let it go because we feel we will lose something precious! We want to fit in but at the same time we want to be different-as if it gives us some power over someone else. " its a black thang, you wouldn't understand". We want others to accept us-but at the same time we rally around the things that make us different.

My wife and I wanted our daughter to start kindergarten in a racially diverse environment-but ended choosing an all black school. First, the other schools would not accept her because she is only 4 and had to be 5; 2nd, we were willing to sacrifice the diversity for a higher academic standard; 3rd, we agreed that we as her parents could set the tone for understanding the value of being in a diverse environment.

I walked in on my daughter's class today to find them repeating after their teacher a poem about being a proud black child. I smiled and clapped after they were through. You see, my daughter, like others, have a richness that we will never know-and I choose to celebrate that richness rather than make it a detriment. Are people bothered by the fact that my daughter, in her richness, is more than they can be? I'm not! My daughter will be taught just how special she is-not that she is better-but her difference is a precious gift that should be guarded against anyone that might choose to take that gift away from her. So my daughter can be black-and repeat the same poem with the same pride-and she can be white and be proud. Oh! one more thing! she can be mixed too and be proud. Don't ever try to take that away from my child-because you are asking for a fight-of which you (people in general) can not win. Love and Peace

9. why must they choose
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 8:15 PM/EST
shannon

I was attending my son's soccer game this afternoon. ( he is the only one of color on the team.) he is biracial) Another child asked his Daddy why Devon's mommy was white and he was brown. His father quickly shushed him. I felt sorry for that child that he had never seen any thing other than the "norm". My son came home when he was in first grade and asked me why i married a "brown guy and not a white guy like i was supposed to", I was so shocked i know my mouth was wide in amazement. Up until that time he hadn't really noticed the difference. He is just beginning to understand that he is different than most of the other children in his school. it hurts him or confuses him i dont know which one more.