Topic #7. What are your personal biases?
(Showing 1-27 of 27)
1. What are your personal biases?
Tue, Sep 14, 1999 - 7:11 PM/EST
As I watch the TV show I am checking for my own personal biases. I caught myself thinking that the wife was supporting the family and felt very negative towards the husband because he doesn't appear to have a "job" and has admitted he is an alcoholic. I was upset that he cautioned ciciley against a relationship with a foreigner because they are looking for a green card. This is one of the most insulting thing you can say to a person involved in a relationship with a foreigner. I know my personal biases in favor of my own race and gender sometimes get in the way of my professional decisions. I feel that being aware of them helps to lesson the damage.
2. personal biases
Tue, Sep 14, 1999 - 7:27 PM/EST
ambers.
I have some personal biases but I don't know how to describe them. I am not against african americans, but I do not walk in their shoes when it comes to being discriminated against. When I encounter an african american person I am cautious that they will percieve some action of mine to be racist because of bad experiences in the past. When I was a kid I envied the little girl in school who had these wonderful cornrows. I wanted to touch one and see how the beads stayed on. Her friends called me a racist for doing that. Later on I made friends with her (because we had some things in common, not because of my fixation on her hair). I remember going to her house and watching Roots with her family. I felt very alientated from them and very guilty for being white when the white characters were treating the black characters so badly. That has stuck with me to this day. Sometimes I am tentative when approaching an african american because of this. I don't ever want to offend.
My friend who teaches a class on interculturalism says that this is a form of racism. I guess it is but I had never thought of myself that way before. I believe that inside we are all souls, not our bodies. And yet that barrier comes between us--how we see ourselves, how we see others, and how we see ourselves in relation to others. I am often scared to make that first step because I don't want to offend. Does that make any sense at all??
As far as Cicily's father cautioning her against foreigners, yes I agree that it was an insult. As the wife of a foreigner from India, I can say that the green card process is a nuicance but it is not why we married. In fact, we are talking about living there for awhile after we have kids.
3. Personal biases
Tue, Sep 14, 1999 - 8:52 PM/EST
Hmmm, it's difficult to be totally honest with one's self about that. Always, it seems my first instinct would be to say I haven't any.
Ofcourse, I am very impatient with people who are 'red-neck' in their interpretations of others. And I have an emotional bias against the German people because of the holocaust. (although I intellectually know it has nothing to do with the Germans per se.)
Atleast, I have recognized that I'm not immune to bias and this awareness has it's advantages.
4. Personal Biases
Tue, Sep 14, 1999 - 9:01 PM/EST
bigt_iii
Amber-I understand! People of all races seem to be so sensitive-I think our society makes us feel uncomfortable. Racism, being politically correct, sexism, homophobia, etc. all play a part in not wanting to offend. I live in a predominately black world socially-and at times I am told that I am not white by my friends, but at the same time I am reminded almost on a day to day basis that I am white. We pick and choose sometimes so that we can feel like the majority! I am the the minority around my friends, but at the same time I'm the majority because I am white-you figure. I have learned just recently that many of my friends have not grown up around other races-and accept only what they know or have been taught. Ignorance is not racism-it is purely ignorance. Amber, I encourage you and others to step into the relm of another race and culture and learn-don't be afraid to offend. The greater offense would be to stay in our little comfortable bubbles and wonder...
5. Racism
Tue, Sep 14, 1999 - 9:11 PM/EST
It may be treading a thin line, to say that ignorance is 'just' ignorance and not racism.
Too many times, the ignorance is accepted and the ensuing results of that ignorance still wreak havoc on us as a society.
Wouldn't it be true also, that any racism could be traced to some modicum of ignorance??
I just know, from personal experience, that the most ignorant (and therefore not meant in malice) remark, has truely offended and hurt me.
So many times, as I was growing up in the Southern U.S., comments were made about Jews. It has stayed with me and it still stings in my memory...
6. If You Do What You Always Did...
Tue, Sep 14, 1999 - 10:26 PM/EST
jonathan
bigt_iii said to ambers, "I encourage you and others to step into the realm of another race and culture and learn--don't be afraid to offend. The greater offense would be to stay in our little comfortable bubbles and wonder..."
Yes. I have a bias in favor of encouraging a person speak his or her truth with openness and emotional honesty. This means I have a bias against any attempts to censor or marginalize people based on notions of political correctness.
It is not possible for us to make any progress in improving intergroup relations unless we are willing to launch out, try new approaches, air controversial views, and especially make mistakes. One thing I've observed in the field of race relations is that no matter what steps you take, in whatever direction, there's some bombastic blowhard who'll try to shut you down or label you a racist on the basis that you took *the wrong* step, in *the wrong* direction, at *the wrong* rate of speed.
On the other hand, as comedienne Moms Mabley said, "If you do what you always did, you're gonna get what you've always got." So let's be willing to shuck the straight jackets of political correctness in favor of taking some emotional risks.
7. Bag of Worms
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - /EST
resa
1) I honestly believe a lot of African-American men who are married to or are in relationships with white women had serious problems with their racial identity prior to entering into those unions. It seems like most of the women in these relationships have/had no African-American friends are assoc. before and during the relationships and don't appear to have a clue about Black people, culture, etc.
2) In general, caucasian men are willing to admit they are attracted to African-American women and engage in relationships, as long as their involvement can be hidden from their friends, family and co-workers.
3) I would have cautioned Cicily developing a sexual relationship, with or without a condom, with any Nigerian because of the cultural tendency towards having multiple partners and the rampant spread of AIDS in Africa.
4) The immigration issue is a reality. What caring parent wouldn't suggest that the desire to obtain a green card might be a possibility? I married and divorced a Nigerian and acknowledge that my views result from that experience and the experiences of friends who found themselves in similar situations.
As for Amber's fears: There is a certain amount of "fear" involved for most people whenever meet someone. I understand your apprehensions but encourage you to take the risk. There are people who will appreciate your willingness to try.
8. Thanks for feedback
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - 1:43 AM/EST
ambers.
Thanks for the feedback. You're right-- in any new encounter there is a sense of nervousness. I will try harder to be more relaxed and let the relationship grow as it may. I have a good friendship with a man at work who happens to be african american. We found a common bond in that we both have spouses of different races than ourselves. At first that's what we talked about primarily but now we just talk about whatever comes up. Today I realized for the first time, "Wow! The boundaries are down and I feel comfortable with this person."
Thanks for allowing me to be honest about my feelings on this board and not attacking me. Trust was built tonight.
In the future, do you have any suggestions for helping me feel more at ease in first encounters? I did not grow up in a racially mixed place and don't have much experience in that area. I think it's easier to approach a foreign person because there is not the intense history that exists between african american and caucasion people. I don't always know what that person's frame of reference is.
I'm not sure what more to say about the immigration issue except that my husband's parents did not encourage him to stay. He was supposed to go home after two years of study. His parents would have rather had him home than a green card and half a world away.
9. Biases/racism/bag of worms
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - 2:29 PM/EST
bigt_iii
Susilawm-hello! Perhaps we need to understand the difference between ignorance and stupidity... Ignorance or the lack of knowledge in and of itself doesn't become racism--but, if I act out of ignorance or I refuse to accept that I am ignorant and act anyway-then am I being stupid? I am ignorant of many things and am learning all the time, especially as I read everyones thoughts. My war is against stupidity! Ignorance in most cases is innocent and eventhough innocence can hurt-it is the pains of stupidity that form the true roots of racism.
Jonathan-"emotional risks" I like the notion that it is ok to take emotional risks. I believe that being emotional is a positive thing and it is only society that teaches us that being emotional is weak or damaging. I have learned to control my emotions because most people can not dwell in the land of emotionalism-it kinda scares them. I am looking for some emotional risk takers-how bout you?
resa-Perhaps we should have met a long time ago! I personally do not like the phrase "problems w/ racial identity"-it is used to often to describe why one may dwell/live/relate outside of their race. I was raised around all whites for the first 12 years of my life-dead end street-small town of 3500 in Illinois. Only time I saw other minorities (mostly black) were on TV-and we all know what picture that painted. But, my parents taught me what true love is all about-and so when most of my real experiences with minorities turned out negative-it still did not keep me from seeing that people are good and bad (sometimes all in one) and that good and bad is not directly tied to the color of their skin, their race, or culture. I fell in love with my wife for many reasons-but one of them was not because I had problems with racial identity. I say all that to say that perhaps most of the black men that marry or relate outside of their race has nothing to do with identity but has to do with NEEDS!
10. resa continued
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - 2:33 PM/EST
bigt_iii
My black brothers have had to carry many labels-some of them imposed on them by black women. Perhaps those that have been placed upon them by their own queens have hurt the most! I see brothers apologizing to sisters all the time but have yet to see a sister apologize to one of my brothers. I can truely say that I love you my wise and beautiful older sister. I look forward to relating to you and am so glad that we have met. take care-TONY
11. personal biases
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 6:48 AM/EST
Jonathan and bigt iii, thank you for your advice. I have to comunicate with a diverse population in the course of my work but I have not taken the risk to do this in my personal life. I have made this a personal goal to reach out, be controversial, and ignore the inevitable critism.
12. it happened again today!
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 9:10 PM/EST
ambers.
Hi, all,
I have a perfect example of an awkward situation. Today I was walking on the sidewalk to my doctor's office when a car pulled up next to me in the parking lot. It slowed and stopped a few times first, like the people were lost. I could not see who was in the car because there were heavily tinted windows on the car. I stared at the car because I expected someone to roll down the window and ask directions. Finally a young girl about 12 years old got out. She appeared to be african american but I didn't give her appearance a thought at the time. I was confused and stared at her in a confused sort of way because I expected her to ask directions and instead she got out. She glared at me and shook her head and walked briskly into the doctor's office. I got in there and the receptionist asked the girl where her mom was. The girl said her mom was parking the car. I laughed and said, "I didn't mean to stare at you--I thought you were going to ask me directions!" She glared at me again, shook her head, and sat down. Her mom came in and then I relized the girl was biracial with a white mother and a (I am guessing) african american father. I tried to make eye contact with her to smile or something but she just kept looking at the ground. Am I reading into this too much, or did I offend this girl? This is what I'm talking about.
Thanks,
Amber
13. biases
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 9:21 PM/EST
deepwaters
I never realized some people have to find ways to talk to other people. Something is very wrong with this picture. On one hand I appreciate Amber being so open about wanting to relate to black people,but on the other hand, something is wrong with trying to find a formula to speak to people of another culture or race. Maybe I just don't get it!!! I meet and greet most people warmly and comfortablely and never even think about their color until someone or something reminds me. I think it's more like, I realize they may be white, but "so what"? what would make me think I couldn't talk to them? I often speak to young sisters, who express surprise in being able to speak to a white person and not feel judged, or ignorant, like they were treated like a human being and they seem surprised to have things in common....all of us hurt, need friends, can love, can touch, and learn from each other. I beleive that's why we work among each other, to learn to accept and rejoice in each others differences, yet know that we really share so much. Somehow this discussion just saddens me. But I appreciate everyone's honesty. It's tough to live in America??
14. Tough
Fri, Sep 17, 1999 - 1:05 PM/EST
ambers.
deepwaters , there is a lot of truth in your comments. The only thing is that I did not notice the color of the girl *at all* until later. It was the furthest thing from my mind! I thought she was going to ask for directions, that's all. Then I tried to figure out why she kept glaring at me and shaking her head, as if I had offended her somehow. I can't think of another reason why she would think that I had been rude and started at her unless it was about something that she's very sensitive about.
I don't treat anyone different than anyone else on purpose. They are all just human beings. I look everyone in the eyes, am nice, smile, etc. There is a woman at work who used to be a man. I have never treated her any different than a professional person, even venturing a few jokes with her and such as I would with anyone else. I feel totally comfortable with her. Others sometimes treat her badly or ignore her, though.
Let's explore the situation above a little more and see if you can come up with another reason why this girl would continue to glare at me and shake her head.
Thanks
15. How about this one!
Sun, Sep 19, 1999 - 4:13 PM/EST
bigt_iii
amber
Perhaps the little gorl gets stared at a lot! When she is with her mother alone or even when she is with both her parents. Perhaps she has formulated a negative feeling towards those that stare. I would hope that more of us would take on a more positive approach to people who stare-much like my wife's. My wife teaches both me and my daughter to take the "staring" opportunity and turn it into something positive. If someone stares and it is possible-we are encouraged to approach the person or persons and ask them "is there something I could help you with" and then enter into a short conversation with them. Most of the time people are curious and so they stare.
I am biased-but some people stare at my 4 yr old girl (Allyn) because she is so cute!
Stares do not always demote something negative and it is our repsonsibility-those being stared at-to take the initiative to change that stare into a positive experience. Yes! there will be times when one would not want to engage in conversation and simply stay away from the situation-but I believe those will be exceptions to the rule.
amber-I beleive the shaking of the head is something that the little girl has learned from others around her. Its a technique that some of us use to make the other person feel bad. Sometimes we use a little exhale or sign to accentuate the shake of the head. Somewhat of a non-verbal for "your ignorant" or "there's another one". I am disturbed that our children are picking up on our negative behaviors. let's not perpetuate these behaviors through our children-let's break the chain that binds us and keeps us from embracing our differences.
Hope this helps-just one perspective-I hope others will add theirs... :-)
16. correction!
Sun, Sep 19, 1999 - 4:17 PM/EST
bigt_iii
that's girl, believe, and sigh (not sign)-haven't figured this edit thang out yet!
17. overly sensitive
Sun, Sep 19, 1999 - 11:43 PM/EST
ambers.
Thanks bigt_iii,
I think the girl was overly sensitive, but she probably had reason to be. At least I know I was innocent in staring at her-- it was an honest thing and had nothing to do with what she looked like or who she was. I think we have a long way to go on both sides, whether you are a member of a minority group (including biracial), or whether you are a member of the majority group.
I have found that as an American Hindu (and "honorary Indian") I am an ambassador of sorts between two very different but rich cultures. I am glad when people come up to me and aske me questions about Indian culture or Hinduism. It shows they are interested in learning and have an open mind. Mind you, I never try to convert anyone or anything, just to teach in a non-threatening way. This forum is a good way to bridge other cultural gaps. I feel that I have grown quite a bit in a very short time by being here.
Thanks, all!
Amber
18. overly sensitive
Sun, Sep 19, 1999 - 11:46 PM/EST
ambers.
Thanks bigt_iii,
I think the girl was overly sensitive, but she probably had reason to be. At least I know I was innocent in staring at her-- it was an honest thing and had nothing to do with what she looked like or who she was. I think we have a long way to go on both sides, whether you are a member of a minority group (including biracial), or whether you are a member of the majority group.
I have found that as an American Hindu (and "honorary Indian") I am an ambassador of sorts between two very different but rich cultures. I am glad when people come up to me and aske me questions about Indian culture or Hinduism. It shows they are interested in learning and have an open mind. Mind you, I never try to convert anyone or anything, just to teach in a non-threatening way. This forum is a good way to bridge other cultural gaps. I feel that I have grown quite a bit in a very short time by being here.
Thanks, all!
Amber
19. opening up
Mon, Sep 20, 1999 - 9:57 PM/EST
deepwaters
amber- you probably are reading too much into the young child. I agree that she probably gets stared at often, but probably thought you were "crazy" to keep staring at her! See what happens when people assume...I'm glad you explained your position to her and allowed her to understand why you were doing what you were doing. I believe so much of today's problems between races and people in general are due to general misunderstanding, but it takes committed people to want to explain and clarify. That takes work. We all have to keep striving for understanding of ourselves and our biases (unconscious and conscious)
20. Too sensitive sometimes
Tue, Sep 21, 1999 - 3:05 PM/EST
ambers.
bigt_iii ,
As usual, you bring up some good points. The girl was probably seeing the world through her own world view but I agree, it was rude for her to express her displeasure like that. I mean, it's okay when you know it's outright discrimiation or racial prejudice but I was just trying to help her with directions if she needed them. Nothing racial about that!
Anyway, I shouldn't be so sensitive either. Maybe she was just having a bad day and she was shaking her head because her mom just scolded her or something totally unrelated to me.
Kids these days are getting ruder and ruder it seems. Oh geez! Now I'm sounding like my grandparents.
I was just looking through the LIFE magazine photos of the century edition and couldn't believe some of the pictures they showed with racial tensions only happened so recently. I was one year old when one of them happened (1975) (can't remember which pic it was right now). The famous one where the demonstrators were being sprayed with hoses and having dogs set on them was only in 1965. That was not too long ago. When I first read about Jesse Owens and Hilter refusing to shake his hand after he won the gold medal, it sounded like the stone ages--and yet I got to shake his wife's hand at a track meet when I was nine.
So do you think things are getting better or worse, or the issues are just different now?
Cheers,
Amber
21. Staring
Wed, Sep 22, 1999 - 10:42 AM/EST
ayrie51
I discovered in my studies of Deaf Culture that Deaf people HATE being stared at. And they don't necessarily have the luxury of being able to walk up to the starer and speak the words, "May I help you," and begin a conversation. If we don't see a Deaf person signing, we have no way of knowing they are Deaf. At a "Silent Dinner" in a food court at a large mall in NJ, I sat at a table by myself for awhile just observing. Deaf people sat signing at five tables. Several teenage boys sat down near them within my earshot. One said, "Look, those people are using sign language." Another said, "They must be deaf." They watched for awhile--actually, they were staring. But it was not a stare of hatred or anger. They were fascinated by what they were seeing. I was dumbstruck. I expected them to make crude remarks about Deaf people being stupid, and I was fully prepared to interrupt them and explain that Deaf people are not stupid--they just can't hear. So, there I was, fully prepared to take on someone else's bias, when I realized that I must have a bias against teenage males. I felt like someone pulled out the carpet from under my feet. In sum, we all have biases; we just don't necessarily know what they are or that they even exist.
22. Personal bias
Wed, Sep 22, 1999 - 10:56 AM/EST
ayrie51
I know I have a bias against fat people. I don't mean overweight people; I mean people with rolls of fat hanging around their middle, and limbs like tree trunks. Perhaps it dates way back to when I was a toddler. My grandmother, an obese person, had a preference for big bear hugs, which squished my little face into her huge bosoms, and I literally could not breathe. I would "emerge" from the hug gasping for breath. She died when I was four. My bias seems to exclude fat people who have a glandular problem rather than an overeating problem, which I guess means that I make an allowance for those who can't help it and that I penalize those who can't control their eating (perhaps because I can't relate to or understand that disorder?). And the bias seems to be directed more at fat women than fat men. I recently met an obese man, who is charming, fascinating, witty, and intelligent. I find that my bias is almost nonexistent with him. Rather, he brings out my maternal instinct. I fear for his health. The same is true for an obese woman at my church, who I love dearly. She is an exception to the bias. I don't kinow what this all means. Maybe I've been making exceptions to the bias because I have given these people a chance to be who they are on the inside. If I hadn't allowed myself to reach out to them in the first place, I'd have lost some very meaningful relationships. To use Jonathan's phrase, the "emotional risk" was definitely worth it!
23. Staring
Wed, Sep 22, 1999 - 2:55 PM/EST
I still have a vivid memory from years ago when my husband and I strolled down a mall in Hattiesburg Mississippi with our newborn daughter. This man followed us for quite some time before my husband asked if he would like to get into her stroller for a ride, at which he quickly disappeared. I also have sat through many dinners in resturants (particularly in the south) where I was amazed that the people staring at us could manage to shovel their food into their mouth without missing! At first, the staring bothered me but now I manage to filter out the gawkers by putting on the blinders, unfortunately this may have cost me the opportunity of meeting people like amber, whose intentions are not equivalent to those who stare in disapproval.
24. response to ayrie 51's personal bias
Sun, Sep 26, 1999 - 9:26 PM/EST
elena
Being a very overweight person with "limbs like tree trunks" your post really pushed my button. You say that your predjudice isn't against persons with a "glandular" problem, just against those who don't control their eating.
How can you determine by sight who has lost control of their eating vs medical obstacles towards losing weight? After 15 years of constant exercise, nutritional studies and controlled eating habits, I have lost a grand total of 4 pounds. I eat less calorically than my 125 pound sister-in-law. I was a slightly plump child, but did not become huge until my thirties, despite a life-long commitment to healthy eating and exercise. I still swim 4-5 times weekly and walk when I can, despite progressive knee arthritis.
There are so many incorrect assumptions about fat people and their lifestyle. I'd venture a guess that there are *no* very obese people who gained the weight due simply due to a lack of discipline or slovenly lifestyle. There is just to much pain and predjudice and discrimination and public ridicule on a daily basis to ignore. I can't imagine anyone not feeling motivated to try a myriad of methods to become "normal" acceptable or attractive. I'd venture a guess that most of these folks (or should I say *we* folks) have tried numerous radical diets and liquid fasts and even some surgery to lose weight, all to no avail. My own dieting history actually resulted in more weight *gain* in the long run than loss. I now am trying, with great difficulty, to accept myself as I am.
25. response to ayrie 51 cont.
Sun, Sep 26, 1999 - 9:31 PM/EST
elena
I will continue my healthy habits until I die, and will struggle with the medical profession to get treatmnet for any ailments that arise. Doctors almost always assume that every and all health problem must be due to my weight, and almost always prescribe only weight loss. When I ask what they would do if I were normal size, I *sometimes* get a more realistic treatment. I was once told that resistant cough from the flu was due to my weight.
I most definitely have ailments that are related to being so overweight, but can do little to prevent them. I do believe, however, that it's my right to get them *treated* and not just brushed off as being due to my weight.I have to be very assertive and confrontative with doctors to find out what is the best treatment. Asking what they would do if I was of a normal weight almost always startles them into suggesting something other than weight-loss surgery.
I will not undergo this surgery because my research reveals that almost everyone who undergoes it has a life long of digestive and infectious problems, and tend to love a greatly shortened life, despite the weight loss. Others somehow gain all the weight back and more despite having a stomach capacity of just one cup!
26. response to elena
Mon, Sep 27, 1999 - 4:42 PM/EST
ayrie51
My apologies for pushing your button. Actually, I'm so glad you responded. Now that I have developed friendships with some obese people, I see how stupid the bias is. And grossly unfair, just like all biases. I mentioned it in the first place because it is a bias I've known I had since childhood, unlike those biases we deny or don't recognize we have. Please don't think I'm shaped like a toothpick. Pregnancy 10 years ago rounded me out pretty well, and I've never lost the added pounds, no matter what I do. I can't look at a photograph of myself anymore without thinking, "Oh, what a fat face I have." As a matter of fact, I've been eating about 600 calories a day for about 3 weeks, and the scale hasn't budged a centimeter downward. But I sure feel tired and cranky--not the reward I was seeking. I applaud your decision to accept yourself the way you are! And your persistence in getting a straight answer from doctors is impressive. It's a good tip. Thanks for your honesty and sharing.
27. re: ayrie's response to elena
Tue, Sep 28, 1999 - 11:25 AM/EST
elena
No offense taken.I'm just duly noting how quick my feelings ignite despite eons of experience with this. And even *I*, too shared your bias in the past. Before I was so heavy, I *perceived* myself as grossly overweight, but was in reality only about 15 pounds too heavy. I was extremely judgemental about anyone heavier than I, and had to consciously examine my reactions to fat people. Our society places so much value upon good looks that it is so thoroughly incorpoarted into our psyches on even a subconscious level.
My ex-husband would describe incidents of internal and almost self-hating racism among his extended family (African American). Those who were darker, had more pronounced ethnic features or were less attractive were subject to heavy-duty ridicule.
(Showing 1-27 of 27)
