Topic #12. What do you think of Bi-racial adoptions?
(Showing 1-19 of 19)

1. What do you think of Bi-racial adoptions?
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - /EST
alessandra

My husband and I are both Caucasian and are seriously thinking of adopting a Bi-racial baby or maybe an African-American grown child (that is, not necessarily a baby). I have always known there would be issues, but I just think that if you love your child to the best and I mean THE BEST that you can, that child will have an optimistic approach to the adversities of life. We are a Christian couple who have prayed and continue to pray for God's direction in this. It would not be something we do because it "feels good." We would only ask that the Lord open the doors or shut them as He sees fit.

In general, how do you all view these adoptions?

2. Reply to Alessandra
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 1:05 AM/EST

Alessandra, please clarify the race of the biracial child, if you can. As a biracial person (.5 Japanese & .5 White), I get frustrated when people say biracial, but don't say what the child is. The assumption (to many) is the child is .5 Black & .5 White. There are lots of biracial children who are not B&W - we get kind of pushed aside, and I for one resent it. Now I'll get off my soapbox! Nothing personal, Alessandra.

I'll probably get some flak over this, but here goes. If you're thinking of adopting a child, you should try to adopt one who is similar in appearance to you. In the long run, I think that will work out best for you and the child. Recently, some local Black communittee leaders said the same thing. I think adoptees have their own issues and race differences has a good chance of compounding the issues. Of course, this is a generalization on my part - there are exceptions to everything.

3. Reply to Alessandra
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 11:00 AM/EST
dblestd

If you and your husband have a truly un-selfish desire (by that I mean you are not placing the desire to adopt before your desire for the Lord) to adopt a child of ANY race and it is God's will, then who cares what anyone else thinks?! Jimbob does bring up a valid issue that you will most likely have to deal with at some point. But, have faith because God can do things exceedingly and abundantly beyond what we can think or imagine.

4. Reply to Alessandra
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 11:24 AM/EST
bookrabbit

I am a adoptive mom. My second son came to live with us when he was 18 months. He is .5 Hispanic/.5 AA.

I think that if you are thinking of adopting a bi-racial or AA child, it can work out fine. But I do believe that you need to make sure that your child has connections to his/her heritage. He/she needs to feel that they aren't "different" from everyone around them. In hearing the stories of biracial children adopted by Caucasian parents, sometimes if they were raised in an all-white background, they have felt isolated. I also think you should be sure that your families are fully accepting of your idea of adopting. Sometimes that can be an issue.

5. Bi-racial adoptions
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 1:16 PM/EST
phoebe

I have been too busy reading everyone else's remarks to add anything myself, but this sub-topic definitely pushed my buttons! In my area, there are rarely any "white" children available for adoption, but there are literally hundreds of black, bi-racial, or multi-racial children waiting for adoptions. Until recently it was impossible to adopt them if you were a white couple - a situation created, I read, by black social workers who felt that the cultural needs of the children could not be met by white parents.

I agree that it is easier on people, not just children, to look like everyone else around them, but who could possibly argue that the need to fit in supercedes the need for a loving family? Not to knock foster care, but it is no substitute for belonging to your own family, whatever color it happens to be. If a child needs a home, and you can provide a good one, do it.

As far as cultural/sociological needs go, I think you just have to do your best by giving children sound moral and ethical values, and plenty of positive exposure to people of different races, religions, cultures, etc. My husband is African, not AA, and my children will likely be judged negatively by AA's who think they're oreos; I hope I can help them learn to ignore other people's prejudices of how a black person is supposed to act.

6. For Alessandra -- I wholeheartedly agree with Bookrabbit and Phoebe
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 2:24 PM/EST
s.patricia

A friend of mine adopted a child two years ago. She is a single white woman and her son was eight at the time. He is black, emotionally disturbed and developmentally disabled ... talk about a triple-whammy for an new mother! Her family and many of her friends tried to talk her out her decision, or at least out of her choice of *this* boy. Two years later, she and her son are doing marvelously together. She doesn't have an easy time, but she adores him and he adores her ... surely this life is much better for him than a life in an institution would have been. Yes, he might have issues to deal with eventually about his mother's color, his color, whatever. But he will also know that he is well-loved, and he will have educational and social opportunities that he would definitely have missed out on otherwise.

It's easy to understand why many people oppose mixed-race adoptions. In a perfect world maybe there would be a perfect family of color for every child of color that needed adopting ... or maybe there just wouldn't be so many children in need of adoption ... We don't live in that world, however. If there are people willing to open their hearts and homes to parentless children, racial difference -- or *any* difference -- shouldn't be a barrier. I am still idealistic enough to believe that "love will conquer all." Alessandra, you may have to consider some of the things Bill and Karen did -- such as which city/area will be good for your new family -- but don't be discouraged!

7. Alessandra, why do you want to?
Fri, Sep 17, 1999 - /EST
elissa

Alessandra, I can't help but wonder why you want to adopt a biracial or black child. If you are specifically looking for an infant, I might see why. There is a myth (We have recently tried to adopt, and it is not working out well at all. There are young children of color available.) that there are an abundance of black or biracitl (b/w) babies. But, if you are interested in an older child, there are tons of white kids available. Why invite complex issues when there is no need?

I'm not one of those people that thinks adoptions should always be within a family's own racial makeup. If you had come to know a black child in need of a home, and then decided to adopt that specific child, I would have no question. Or, if there were tons more available black kids than white, that would make snese to me as well. But, why go out "shopping" specifically for a child of color when you are not a family of color?

8. Interracial adoptions
Fri, Sep 17, 1999 - 2:13 PM/EST

I'm glad this topic has come up. My partner and I are thinking of adopting a child at some point, and we are interested in an Asian or Asian-Caucasian child (someone who "looks like us" or at least looks like he/she could be our biological child). We have a lot to give a child, having already raised two children to semi-adulthood, and we are ready to provide cultural education to the child, as well as love and support. However, I still hestitate, because to me the child comes first, and I'm not sure if it is in the child's best interest for a Caucasian woman (me) to mother an adopted non-Caucasian child. I don't want to offend those of you who have adopted children of a race other than yours. I think that love goes a long way toward healing a child's hurts and confusion. And I am sure that having a home and family is better than being shunted around in foster care. But I would like to hear from any of you who have grown up in this type of situation, and how having a parent or parents that didn't look like you affected you. And do you think that having parents of two different races is the same experience for the child, whether the child is biological or adopted?

9. Oops
Sat, Sep 18, 1999 - 1:33 AM/EST
elissa

In my note above I meant that there are NO young children of color available. That isn't

exactly true, but there are few. We have searched nationally, and the picture isn't bright.

Artemis, good luck. I agree that adopted children should look like their parents when

possible. But, to be clear, I'm not saying kids should languish in foster care rather than be

adopted by a different sort of family.

My sister is in a b/w marriage and adopted b/w twins as infants. Her kids struggle much more with issues of abandonment and belonging related to adoption than they struggle with being biracial. In fact, I would say, for her children, their biracial heritage is just who they are. To them, it is nothing to dwell on or to affect self

esteem.

10. For Alessandra -- I wholeheartedly agree with Bookrabbit and Phoebe
Sat, Sep 18, 1999 - 1:18 PM/EST
tzeny

Adopting a child of any color is a difficult thing for a couple to do. It truly takes a willing, caring, committed and loving couple to open their hearts as well as their home up to give the opportunity to a child to come in and grow up as if it is their child. Alessandra I believe that God will guide both you and your husband to make the best decision for you both.

Now onto our topic Yes it is easier to adopt a child that looks like you, and that could easily had been born by you and to avoid any "issues" having one that is of a different color origin.

Phoebe brought up a very very good point. Who doesn't want that to have a child that will fit in their family with out any problems? Problem meaning that the child is of a different color. Statistics prove that there are more non-white children available for adoption than white. So white parents wanting to adopt are faced with the question of should they adopt a non white child. If we say no that means those children may not have the opportunity to be adopted because of the lack of non white couples wanting to adopt. That is not fair to the child first of all and second of all LOVE has no color constraints.

Parents adopting a child of different color should try to keep their adopted child aware of their background and heritage. I know this isn't an easy thing but at least the child will have the opportunity to have life near a loving and caring family.

11. What's the secret?
Sat, Sep 18, 1999 - 10:19 PM/EST
elissa

Where are all of these non-white children available for adoption? We have already been

waiting for almost a year for a black or B/W child under the age of 4. We have been told it

could be another year. We have been searching both through local sources and through the

National Adoption Clearinghouse. I've read numerous books and contacted a slew of

organizations. They have all indicated that since my sister adopted her kids in the late 80's,

transracial adoptions have become more of a norm. Now, we as a biracial couple must get

in line behind all of the white couples who are interested in the same black and b/w children.

I've been told it could be 4 years before a black girl is available. I would love to know

which states have these waiting children of color.

I may be misunderstanding. You all might be referring to older kids. But, here in Indiana

they produce a monthly "catalogue" of every available child in the state. There are at least

an equal number of white older children if not more. But, these are children who are 10, 12,

15 years old. My husband and I aren't even old enough to have biological children that age.

We really want kids the age of our friends' kids.

Please, if I am missing something, let me know. This is so important to us.

Anyone interest in the Indiana catalogue of available kids can view it at www.ai.org/fssa.

12. Response
Sat, Sep 18, 1999 - 11:20 PM/EST
alessandra

It really doesn't matter to me what my future child looks like to be honest. The reason I wrote that we are interested in possibly an AA child is because we did search the DSS book of available children and the majority of these kids are of AA backgrounds. I don't sit around dreaming of what it would be like to have a particular color child, I just want to be an adoptive mom. I want to care and nurture a child who right now does not have a REAL family. I like to ask people what they think because I really do not want to be shocked when insults come our way. I know ultimately if we continue to pray to our Lord, He and only He, will make that choice clear.

I wish that all of you who see humans mostly by their skin color realize how superficial you are being. I will not live my life like that and my future children will never use color as an excuse for anything. How God sees you is the only thing that matters.

13. Alessandra -- response to your response
Sun, Sep 19, 1999 - 4:43 PM/EST
s.patricia

I don't think any of us have been superficial. I think we have been trying to discuss our feelings on this topic as plainly as possible. The fact of the matter is that if you adopt a child whose color differs from yours, there will be certain issues that arise that you and your husband and child(ren) will have to deal with. This doesn't mean that any of us only look at color when we look at people (forgive me for speaking for all of you, but I feel a little safe making this assumption). It simply means we are being realistic. Of course your future children shouldn't use color as an "excuse" (though I'm not exactly sure what you mean when you say that), but that's not what any of us have been talking about. You asked for our thoughts and we shared them; that's all.

14. It's regional again
Mon, Sep 20, 1999 - 2:12 PM/EST
elissa

I noticed that Alessandra, Phoebe and Tzany have insisted that there are so manyt black and biracial schildren waiting for adoption and very few whites. I thought they were nuts because the exact oposite is the case in Indiana. But, I check out your bios, saw what state you lived in and then went to your states' adoption pages. Sure enough you're right! But, so am I. If you look at the Indiana page there is anbout 2:1 more whites that blacks. I guess its another of those regioanl things.

At least now, my husband and I know that Virginia, South Carolina and Maryland are good places for us to look for a child.

For anyone seeking to adopt an older white child, Indiana is the place for you.

15. Response to Alessandra
Mon, Sep 20, 1999 - 2:32 PM/EST

Wouldn't it be wonderful to live in a society where color, religion, and ethnicity don't matter! Where a postal worker doesn't get shot down in the street because he has a brown skin. Where Jewish children don't get murdered because they are Jewish. Where native people don't get hate mail for practicing their culture. Where advocates for the "white race" don't have parades and marches advocating the killing of those who are not "like them." Tragically, all of these incidents have happened in the past six months. There are many more of these incidents than I have room here to describe. But my point is that we live and have to raise our children in this society and culture. Skin color may not be an issue in our homes, but be assured that it will be imposed upon us and our children repeatedly by the outside world. It seems to me that we are being responsible and thoughtful when we think about and discuss the possible problems that may come up as a result of interracial adoption. It doesn't mean we are superficial or only see people by their skin color. It means we are being honest and realistic. As s.patricia mentioned, you did ask for our opinions.

16. I think most Americans are very superficial
Wed, Sep 22, 1999 - 3:35 PM/EST
alessandra

That is what I thounght when I first moved to this country and I still think that. The very fact that someone has to make an issue out of bi-racial adoptions is proof. Whatever the color of a child there are going to be problems. God has promised us that - read Genesis. I think too many of you try to manipulate your lives and others' lives thinking you know better than others or even God. I feel sorry for you. You will always be unhappy people. Try and be grateful for what God has put in your lives instead of being so miserable.

17. I agree with alessandra
Sat, Sep 25, 1999 - 9:03 AM/EST

Hi everyone, I am ailene. I haven't really weighed in yet, though I have been reading all of the previous posts. It seems that all of this waiting for an African American or biracial child whose a certain age and a certain sex, sort of leaves the point--if you want a child, and there are children available, adopt one! If you feel you must have children of specific races and/or a specific sex and age, and it doesn't coincide with the children in need of adoption in your area--perhaps you don't really want to adopt a child at all. Isn't part of the point of adoption--the fact that there are all these children out there in NEED of loving parents? My mother (an African American) cared for three small white boys ( brothers) for about 8 years. There mother was an alcoholic, and so every night, my mother took the three boys home, fed them dinner, fed them breakfast in the morning, and took them home just in time for school. (This was a special arrangement with the department of social services. My mother was asked to do this, so that there mother would not lose custody of her children.) There were many times when the boys weren't able to go home, because there mother was nowhere to be found, and during the many years that they were cared for by us, they really became a part of our family--we potty trained each of them, helped them with homework, etc. I know that having someone in your home for 14 hours at a time for 5 days a week isn't the same as having them live with you all the time, but over eight years we became pretty close.

My point is that if Alessandra and her partner have the love in their hearts needed to give to a child whose been abandoned by his/her biological parents for whatever reason, they should go ahead and do it! There is always an obstacle in the way, no matter what the issue.

Some people live to point out obstacles in their lives and in the lives of others.

18. Reality Check
Mon, Sep 27, 1999 - 2:21 PM/EST
elissa

Ailene,you are right. But, to adopt a child with special needs (this is the social service term for older white children, most children of color and children with disabilities)takes a lot of strength and a deeper level of commitment than parenting a more "traditional" child. To meet the best interest of the child, adoptive parents must be fully prepared.

I don't personally have the strength or resources to adopt just any child. Personally, I think that people like myself should be commended for knowing our limits. In fact, when we expressed an interest in special needs adoption, the department of welfare counseled us on what types of situations would be appropriate for our family. They recognize that people sometimes go into adoptions with rose colored glasses and end up with a child that doesn't fit. I'm not looking for perfect. But, what would I do with a child with severe behavioral problems that required that I often pick him up from school? Or, if I had a child that required around the clock medical care? How would I keep my job? If I lost my job, how would we manage? These are the types of things responsible families consider before adopting. You must know what your limits are. We have agreed to take a child with moderate to severe learning disabilities. This is something we feel we are able to help address. Another family may be able to parent a large sibling group, or an abused child, yet another family may be able to deal with a transracial adoption. Perhaps Alessandra is prepared for this.

I'm not a saint. I can't save the world, but I can adopt one child who does not have a home. That child will live in a happy, loving home with parents who are equipped emotionally and financially to meet his particular needs. I think that is a win-win situation. I'm sorry if everyone doesn't agree but, I most certainly don't need Alessandra's pity!

19. What do you think of bi-racial adoptions?
Sat, Oct 2, 1999 - 8:45 PM/EST

I agree with Artemis that it would be wonderful to live in a society where color, religion and ethnicity don't matter and that even though skin color is not an issue in our homes, it will be imposed on our children by the outside world. We have a biological bi-racial daughter and an African American adopted son, adopted 18 years ago while living in Texas. We went through Human Services. He was labelled "hard to place" due to learning disabilities, and race. He was 2-1/2 when we met him. I think he has more problems related to being adopted and behavioral difficulties. I think problems with behavior in school are compounded African Americans.

There have been countless times when as he was growing up and I went to school, etc., that children said "That's not your mother" or adults asked if I was babysitting. I always tried to reply with something like "I know he is so handsome, you could not believe he was my child" - something to focus on a positive aspect about him. I know growing up was difficult for him for many reasons.

We waited over a year before we were told a child was available, and this was at a time when the agency said that there was a desperate shortage for families to adopt Black and mixed race children. I asked the social worker if she thought it would be a problem for him growing up in our family, and she said it would be much easier than in an all-white family, and that there were not enough Black families available. We have tried to raise both our children to be proud of their heritage, and to always have lots of African American literature, magazines, etc. around. Plus, he has my husband who is African American as a role model and I see his problems stemming from inherited problems/disabilities that are the result of maternal drug abuse, etc. But, these have probably been compounded by having a White mother. I have no regrets about adopting him, and I do not think that he does either.