Topic #1. Understanding your mate
(Showing 1-42 of 42)

1. Understanding your mate
Fri, Sep 17, 1999 - 1:03 PM/EST
kjsmama

I can totally relate to what shay49 said in her bio. I know that I love my husband and I don't think about his race as a factor in our relationship. But when we talk about these issues, I'm always shocked and indignant at the ignorance of the general public, while he is resigned because he has dealt with these issues all his life. I know I will never fully understand where he is coming from and that hurts a lot. I suppose if I was with a white man we'd have a different sort of understanding, just being from the same race. But it is the other things, the PERSON my husband is, through which we have understanding in our relationship. If you remove the race thing, we are very similar: parents who split up when we were small, middle class background in a racially diverse area, college education, etc. Is there any way to see things from his perspective?

2. Understanding your mate
Fri, Sep 17, 1999 - 2:12 PM/EST
rain

I think kjsmama makes a good point. Not thinking about your husband's race is natural for you. I'm sure he feels the same. Keep in mind though, that when other people see you, the 'person' that you are isn't what they see first. As far as seeing things from his perspective, I think being with him and literally seeing things happen brings a certain element of seeing it through his eyes. I don't know that you can get any closer than that. I've seen couples (both inter racial and of the same race) and wondered why they're drawn to each other. In retrospect, I've wondered why I was drawn to people I dated in the past. Several times it was a natural curiosity about them because they were different from me in terms of personality, ambition, direction, etc. It was a way to broaden my horizons, educate myself, and figure out who I was.

I don't feel that I got a sense of who Karen was in the early stages of her relationship with Bill, perhaps because I didn't see the first 4 hours of the series. She seemed to have some insight into who Bill is that didn't come across to me. As they were leaving the reunion, Karen mentioned that someone seemed surprised that she and Bill are still together. I echo that surprise.

3. Understanding Your Mate
Fri, Sep 17, 1999 - 6:07 PM/EST
britt

Sometimes I think when the world is against you, it makes you want to hold on even tighter, just to prove everyone wrong. My boyfriend and I are a united front against those who try to come between us, and it has made our relationship a lot stronger. I do wish we had the support of our families, though. People always talk about "the children" but we don't have children. Plus, I think that's a cop-out. They also say, "Well, society looks down on interracial couples." That's fine, and we've dealt with the problems of the world...it would, however, be extremely nice to be able to feel safe and supported within our own FAMILIES!!!

Geez, I have so much to say...

One more thing...

Do you think it's possible that it's just a preference? For example, some women like thin guys, some like fat ones, some like blue eyes and blond hair, some like dark complexions, etc. Is there really that much of a difference? Ken and I both come from middle-class neighborhoods with two parents who loved us very much, we went to private school and then to college. Besides race, our backgrounds are very similar. True, our experiences were different because of our respective races, but I don't think race is as much an issue as class. Just to throw it out there....

4. Understanding Your Mate
Fri, Sep 17, 1999 - 11:21 PM/EST
myahsmithe

There have been only three messages posted from our group so far and the conversations are addressing so many important issues. I believe that it is possible for us all to understand our mates. It may however take more compassion, time and empathy than we are welling or able to invest. My husband is more than a decade older than I am and we come from total different generations and economic backgrounds. Yet, we are able to span the gaps with a lot of open,non-judgemental dialouge and disagreement. The difference in race is not what I find difficult, the differences in genders is more of a challenge. Understanding your mate can be easy. The world understanding/accepting your choice can be a big struggle.

5. Friends forever
Sat, Sep 18, 1999 - 2:15 AM/EST

The thing I love most about the Sims family is the feeling that they are committed and friends. Its wonderful to see people not afraid of their choices....and hanging on in there.. to be who they are. Why we get together and why we stay together I dont think is so important....or even if we understand each other completely....the wonderful interest and communication I saw in this family for each other was like a road map. They are in one sense a normal family....loving, surviving, authentic...regardless of the bagage they brought with them and the judgement of others. The courage to be who they are........It is very refreshing and an incouragement...for family relations and all other relationships.

6. Understanding your mate
Sat, Sep 18, 1999 - 10:16 AM/EST
elizabethrlk

I too started watching the series to see how a couple of such different backgrounds got along in this world..the struggles they faced etc. The more i watched thought the more i realized that Bill and Karen were sooooooo much like my husband and me who are both of the same race. We deal with many of the same issues and agendas that Karen and Bill do. That's why i think that this series is so important. It's such a catalist for people who would normally react to this bi-racial couple with intolerance to sit back and think that in reality we are ALL so much alike!! We all have bills to pay, kids to support, garbage to take out..the color of our skin is so inconsequential when it comes to these things.. ..why oh why can't people see that?!?!?!?!? Bill and Karen showed us all just that and that's such a huge lesson to take away from this series. Black, white, yellow, olive or red we are all humans just wanting to make our way in this world. Peace :-)

7. Understanding your mate
Sat, Sep 18, 1999 - 11:38 AM/EST
annetta

I watched all eight segments of "An American Love Story", and though I commend Karen and Bill for their strength and courage, what impacted me the most was the children. I know I am going to piss off a lot of people, but I just don't think it is a good idea to have children of two races, most especially white and black. I am not saying that their won't be difficulties in any relationship I just think that you are asking for trouble when you mix the two most antagonistic races. Their is so much racial tension between white and blacks that having children is just a tragedy. (Uh oh!) I would like to say "we are all the same", well we are not! Back to biracial children, I feel sorry for them, because just like Cicily experienced, there will come a time in their lives when they have to make a choice of who or what they want to be, meaning black or white. Now I know that that is not right or fair, but that is how it is. They look at themselves and say I have a black mother and a white father or vice versa, and I love both of them equally, but the world sees black. And people for the most part sees black, only black. That is why I think it is a terrible thing to do to a child. Children have enough to deal with, without having to decide what race they are, which is a shame that they should have to. That is why I am really against the black and white mixing thing but that is just how the children come out mixed up, confused. In a perfect world, biracial children could just be, but it is not a perfect world and the fact is they will probably deal with more prejudice than a child who was only black. Because when you are black, you deal with mainly prejudice from whites, but when you are black and white, you deal with prejudice from all sides.

8. General/Cicily
Sun, Sep 19, 1999 - 7:59 AM/EST
meejoh

Instead of feeling sorry for the children of mixed races, I envy them. I truly think they are the children of the Future. As the movie illustrated, if there is a strong sense of belonging coming from the home, a sense of "self" (if only in the early stages) than all that external stimuli isn't so critical or damanging. Who cares what the "others" think of you. Although Cicily was seen as black, at college she opted to join a white sorority and was accepted for being herself within it. Even at dances and clubs when she had to sit on the sidelines when no one asked her to dance and no males approached her, it wasn't anything devastating. She kept going out with her friends. She was bigger than the moment and took it all in as experience. Cicily is way above most people, largely because of her unique perspective. The world is becoming very small. When Cicily was in Africa and the black students kept bemoaning her about being accepted in the "community" I kept thinking how it's not so simple anymore. It's a new world with so many things opening up this country to new possibilities that why would anyone want to close themselves into one community. We are in the throes of changing landscapes in this country, there is so much that is new and becoming, that to close one's mind now is Stupid. See One Nation as an ideal and live it as close as possible. People do change. I've seen it.

9. responding to annetta
Sun, Sep 19, 1999 - 10:54 AM/EST
aduni

WOW! I'm sorry that you feel the way that you do about biracial children. It makes me pretty sad. As the mother of two biracial kids I know that most of this country sees them as black. As they get older I know that we will make sure they know that so when they get out into the world it won't be a shock. More and more biracial people are identifying as such (see the news about changes in the 2000 census). Things change. Racial mixing is not new. And just out of curiosity, what is that you thing is soo different among blacks and whites that makes relationships a bad idea??????

10. Biracial Children
Sun, Sep 19, 1999 - 4:20 PM/EST
eve

I think that biracial kids have a opportunity to experience the two worlds. It may not always be easy and yes a choice someday will be made but unfortunately life is all about choices and struggles. Life consists of degrees of struggles and while the magnitude is not always the same life is not easy lets say if you grow up as a fat kid, a poor kid or have a parent who is mentally ill or you have a disability. If we don't embrace the difference can we ever see past them? Just as a FYI....There is a good book it is called "HOPE" by Isabell Monk, about a little girl who is biracial and how her great aunt explains it to her. It is agreat book for little kids and also for adults.

11. response to anetta
Sun, Sep 19, 1999 - 10:15 PM/EST
elizabethrlk

I think that your view of "race mixing" is exactly what will keep racist people stuck in the same mind set that has plagued this country for hundreds of years...instead of concentrating on how different we all are we need to find common ground...black, asian, hispanic, native american...whatever you are there is something that ties you to the human race..something that makes us similiar..wether it be you like the color orange and so do i or we share the same affinity for loud rock music. This is what will eventually bring us together..for once we find something we have in common with a person of another race the higher our comfort level will be with that person...so challenge yourself anetta..challenge yourself to see the simililarities and then maybe you can take the next step to understanding...

12. Response to Annetta
Mon, Sep 20, 1999 - 11:42 AM/EST
treytrav

Why is it so different in your eyes if white/black mix - is it wrong if Jewish/white mix, what about mexican/white - there is no difference - your thinking yes will keep this a racist world. I agreed with what you said in your introduction - but sorry I don't agree with what you are saying now. I have two beautiful children whom are biracial and they will grow up with the best of both worlds - they will learn what it's like in both worlds and they will be themselves. They will be stong and proud because that's what we will teach them.

Sorry to see you feel how you do . . . :-(

13. understanding your mate
Mon, Sep 20, 1999 - 4:03 PM/EST
annetta

Okay! In response to everyone and you know who you

are, I didn't make the world the way it is. I also no that I am not the only one who feels this way but oh well. I still think it is a bad idea for people to have a black/white child, even though I totally sympathize with parents of biracial children. All I did was voice an opinion that was mine. I am sorry offended so many people but it still doesn't change anything.

So, I put this question to all of you who so vehemently objected to what I said. Why is it a good idea to have children of particularly black/white races. I wait on your replies, and as for eve I think it was as to why I totally against the black/white mixing thing. You know why but if

you want me to spell it out it is because their is

so much hate between these two particular races.

14. black/white mixing thing
Mon, Sep 20, 1999 - 5:08 PM/EST
aduni

OK. So I read the bios after I quickly responded to your post Annette. My response before was aimed at a white woman. Having read your bio (as an African-American woman) - you OBVIOUSLY know what racism is, how it feels and impacts your life. I can now understand your point about biracial being an additional consideration or problem. I had this conversation with my mom the other night because she asked the same question - is it harder to get it from both sides? I don't know - I think that in some cases it will be - but for a lot of America my kids are black not biracial. The flip side of this is that in Nigeria where my husband is from our kids would be considered white......

15. Re: black/white mixing thing
Mon, Sep 20, 1999 - 6:02 PM/EST
rain

To aduni...

I'm puzzled that you seem to be more accepting of the comments annetta made because she's not white. Is it somehow more acceptable to you that a black woman considers the fact that you and your husband have children together a "tragedy"? Her feeling "sorry for them" is somehow okay, because she's not white? I think your #9 response was absolutely on-target, and you posed a valid question. What is so different indeed....

16. a good idea to have children
Mon, Sep 20, 1999 - 6:23 PM/EST
rain

In response to your question (#13) annetta---

It is a good idea to have children if you're a responsible adult, in a committed relationship with a partner who also wants children; if you are capable of loving, nurturing, caring and providing for them REGARDLESS of whether one's own ancestors hail from Africa while one's partner's ancestors hail from England, etc.

I assume no one has children just because they're in an interracial relationship; likewise, they shouldn't NOT have children because it.

17. Response to annetta
Mon, Sep 20, 1999 - 7:38 PM/EST
elizabethrlk

One cannot post a dialog like that and not expect some emotion-filled reactions...please tell me you excpected people to be honest and truthful with their responses, just as you were with your opinion that the "races" shouldn't mix. I vehemently disagree with your opinion but i respect your right to voice it..i thank GOD every day that two people of different races decided to have a child, for if they didn't i would not have the most beautiful, incredible..most loving creation that walks the earth..my sweet baby boy. Praise GOD that he decided to mix the ancestry of these two people and decided to make me that child's mother...PEACE :-)

18. responding to anetta
Mon, Sep 20, 1999 - 11:53 PM/EST
bhjb

I had to skip all of the other posts after I read what anetta had to say about bi-racial children. With all due respect to you, your view of the world and the future seem to be very limited. I am one of those people you seem to find the need to pity, please don't. I'm 36, have a masters degree, am very well-adjusted, have never felt confused about who I am, and have my parents to thank that they brought me into this world and raised me the way they did. Let's face it.. life can be hard for all who choose to stay and live it...being bi-racial requires that you move through life with your eyes wide open (perhaps a little more so than others) and all of your senses functioning all of the time. The opportunities that we find ourselves in to facilitate change and to educate seem to be endless, and for some of us it's what gets our juices flowing and will help this society to become a more tolerant one. For your own education, please get to know some of us personally. You will find us no more confused than the average person. I do think you've made a positive step by at least sharing your ideas and hopefully you can be persuaded otherwise in your perception of us. Cicely was not confused about her identity...she was impatient with the way people perceived her and the quick judgements that were made, based on little or no information.

19. responding to annetta
Tue, Sep 21, 1999 - /EST
bhjb

I'm with rain, excusing or justifying annetta's comments simply because she is African-American is very puzzling.

My question to Annetta would be, "how many bi-racial people do you know personally?" It is very easy to play armchair psychologist when one has never had any experiences with a particular segment of the population. In answer to your question regarding why it is or it isn't a good idea to have children of black/white heritage, I would say....why is it or isn't it a good idea to have children at all. People who want children, regardless of ethnic background are not looking for the "grand conspiracy." They want to have children that can carry on after they are gone, it's that simple. No hidden agenda, just love of family and children.

20. understanding your mate
Tue, Sep 21, 1999 - 4:29 PM/EST
annetta

In response to bhjb, and elizabethrlk of course I expected so backlash. I respect what you had to say, but all I did was point out some facts. In response to bhjb, about me playing "armchair psychiatrist"(very good), I confess that I don't know a lot of biracial or mixed couples or children, so I cannot say that I am an authority on the subject. But in my defense, I didn't say I

was. Oh and by the way, why were you so quick to jump on rain, just because she agreed with some of what I had to say. I thought this was a forum so we can all voice our opinions and thoughts, so don't we all have a right to what we think, and just like I can't speak from experience about biracial children or couples, you don't know what I have seen or experienced to make me feel the way

that I do either. One thing I will apologize about is making anyone feel like they were committing a tragic mistake by having biracial children, because I love children, all children. There are a lot of people that wouldn't be here if

it weren't for mixing races, probably even me. Maybe I should have said that I don't think Bill and Karen did a very good job of preparing Cicily for what was ahead of her, and I will backtrack one other thing I said, "I am not racist". I looked that up and it said someone who thinks a race is superior than another. But, to be honest I will admit to being somewhat prejudiced.

21. now puzzled by annetta's #20 post
Tue, Sep 21, 1999 - 6:53 PM/EST
rain

I'm at a loss for identifying on which points you feel we agree.

bhjb... well said! Do you really feel that the onus is on you to educate people? I'm not criticizing that position, I'd really like to understand it (and benefit from it).

22. Sharing an experience
Tue, Sep 21, 1999 - 11:58 PM/EST
red

I consider myself very lucky, I grew up in rural white America and always looked for somthing different whether it was my mohawk in high school or getting my tongue pierced, the unknown excited me. I believe that a lot of my interracial experience has been a deep attraction to gaining knowledge and broadening my horizons. I have had dated Asian, Native American, Caucasion, African American, and Nigerian. Lucky for me I'm still single and intend to appreciate to the fullest extent every color of the rainbow in every aspect. I thank the Goddess daily for my right to chooose to do so and for the acceptance of my friends and family. Although I have had my share of "interesting" experiences do to my variety packed datebook I wouldn't change it for anything. I have a phenomenal biracial child who seems more worried about what she's going to wear to school than the color or lack of color on the skin it covers. I live in a city where interracial couples move to be together, and do so rather successfully. I respect annettes right to speak her opinion, but totally disagree. To the woman who changed her mind because of a's race- I find it quite confusing what would the difference be in the opinion on biracial children between a black and a white person? I have numerous friends and relatives of both races and none of them can think of a difference. People are a product of their environment, they take what they want from it and create some of their own "spices to put in the pot" and the end result is an ever changing society. ex: I grew up Lutheran and am now Wiccan,I keep the fact I should respect everyones spiritual choices and denounce the fact that I should feel guilty for every little thing. I do not have on rose colored glasses I just don't look for the negative theres enough of it shoved down my throat daily.

23. black\white relationships
Wed, Sep 22, 1999 - 12:16 PM/EST

Why is it that most of the black/white relationships are between a black man and a white woman? My guess is that black men have bought into the American myth that white women are the "cream of the crop" and white women, bored with what white men have to offer, start to seek out men of other races. If black/white relationships happened for the same reasons as same race relationships, there would not be so many more black men with white women than white men with black women.

24. racial mixing in the "Melting Pot"
Wed, Sep 22, 1999 - 1:05 PM/EST
kjsmama

Whether you believe that america is a "melting pot" or a "big salad," you're going to be in the bowl with a diverse group of people. To discount people based on your prejudices only leaves you with less people to love.

My sister and I were recently discussing race, she couldn't understand how I don't have the prejudices she does, since we grew up in the same environment. I told her that my only prejudicial thought is that all people are stupid, and I believe that until they prove otherwise. It's not the color or creed, it's the mind.

also, I was disappointed to read that annetta "feels sorry for" me and my husband. We are quite happy and we have a beautiful child. I can only hope that views like hers have changed by the time my two-year-old goes to college.

25. Response to hill
Wed, Sep 22, 1999 - 3:12 PM/EST
britt

WHOA! That statement that you made about why black men date white women was very interesting. I do not agree. Why do white women have to "get bored" with white men in order to date black men? I have dated both black and white men, but my preference is for black men. But it is not because I "got bored" with white men; in fact, I dated black men first! Then, I dated some white men and an Asian man, then met my boyfriend, who is black. But I stopped dating my exes because I "got bored" with THEM, not their skincolor!

26. response to annetta
Wed, Sep 22, 1999 - 6:19 PM/EST
elizabethrlk

Mmmmmm....pointed out some facts?? I think you pointed out your opinion Annetta...not hard and true facts :-) And we responded with our "opinions" and experiences as well...Peace to you and thank i thank you for being so open and so able to speak your opinions..because it's truly what makes the world go 'round...

27. Another perspective-
Thu, Sep 23, 1999 - 8:51 AM/EST

I feel that most people get caught up in many different issues.........and maybe miss the bigger picture. I was born and raised in Pa. left the country after high school and lived 25 years abroad. Returned to the states 12 years ago. America is a great country....but it will not remain so long if we don't realize that:

Most of our issues are political and economical.

Generally speaking, politicians, religious leaders and the wealthy are basically only interested in keeping the status quo....powerful and wealthy on top, masses below.

All over the world people are fighting....

Main reason racial and economics

I hope that Americans can avoid this.

If not, there is no hope for us.

I for one am ready for anything that will help the masses here live better. When everyone has enough their is less fear of others.

I think the issue we are discussing here are important, but the real issue politics and money cause many of these issues and they need to be recognized and dealt with.

Love ya all....

mamoosh

28. understanding your mate
Thu, Sep 23, 1999 - 11:38 AM/EST
annetta

First of all, Rain I apologize for your confusion I meant Aduni, and to bhjb no I don't think that the "onus is on me to educate the world." As elizabethrlk pointed out these are "my" opinions. Oh and elizabethrlk, all due respect, I don't expect you to agree with me at all because you are caucasion and generally most caucasion people don't think that racism is as bad as it is. At this point I don't care how many people don't share or agree with "my" opinions, but some of the things I said are "fact." Oh, and kjsmama, your children have nothing or would have nothing to fear from me, because I am not ignorant. Just because I have some opinions about certain things doesn't mean I would ever purposely hurt a child. I am a realist and contrary to what most of you think I am not a bitter, resentful, hateful person. I see things the way they are, most of you seem to see things the way you want or wish them to be. Well guess what, I wish things were different too. I wish that people could all just be people and not a white person, or a black person, or an asian person, or a latino person. Just a person. I wish that you guys could get to know me, because you would see that I am not the awful person that you think I am. I have just seen and experienced so much that I'm jaded. Enlighten me, please!

29. Re: post #28
Thu, Sep 23, 1999 - 12:06 PM/EST
rain

To Annetta,

Your apology, though not at all necessary, is graciously accepted. I propose that we clear the air... While we've addressed some interesting points here, we've veered away from the "understanding your mate" topic.

30. Response to Britt
Thu, Sep 23, 1999 - 12:12 PM/EST

You stated that your preference is for black men. Why? I can only conclude that you are treated better by black men than by white men. If I felt I was treated better by another race of men, I would be concerned. I believe that many white women/black men relationships are created as an escape mechanism from dealing with relationship defects and a deep need to raise ones self-esteem. The white woman's self-esteem is raised by being with a black man who feels he has the "top of the line" in women -- similar to having the best car on the lot. I am by no means saying that all white women/black men relationships are formed for these reasons. I am saying that something is going on when the ratio of white women/black men relationships is so much higher than black women/white men relationships.

31. understanding your mate
Thu, Sep 23, 1999 - 12:34 PM/EST
annetta

Elizabethrlk, I apologize ahead of time for that personal attack. Unfortunately, I didn't take the time to read what I said before I posted, because I was a little "fired up." What, I meant to say was generally or in "my" experience, white people hardly ever agree with black people, on racism. You did nothing to provoke that statement, you stated your opinion, and I have read some of your other opinions and it appears that you are pretty well rounded.(For a white chick) Anyway, I hope you accept my apology, because I really didn't mean "you", I meant "most."

32. understanding your mate
Thu, Sep 23, 1999 - 12:41 PM/EST
annetta

In response to rain, thank you, and you are absolutely right. I propose we start another topic.

33. Response to Annetta
Thu, Sep 23, 1999 - 8:48 PM/EST
elizabethrlk

Pretty fly for a white chick huh?? laffin...well i think you're pretty fly for a black chick too annette :-) Believe it or not i am very sympathetic to racism issues in America...that's speaking from the heart...i agree we clear the air and dialog on something different. How about we switch over to the plight of Kathie Lee Gifford and her fight for better sweat shops?? Humor people...my attempt at humor..PEACE!

34. Resonse to hill2
Fri, Sep 24, 1999 - 7:54 AM/EST
britt

Ya know, I have tried to delve into the psychological reasons behind why I prefer black men, and actually, I have come up with very little that makes sense. And no, black men have neither treated me better nor worse. A friend of mine (who happens to be white and attracted to black men) and I sat around in college and used to rack our brains to try to figure out why we like black men. But then I woke up and realized something: WHO CARES? It is a fact. It is the prejudiced world we live in that wants to know WHY and makes us feel abnormal and inferior because of this. It is like asking a gay person why they are gay. It just "is." I'm through with trying to explain to the world (and to myself) WHY. I am currently in a four-year relationship and I am very happy, so I usually don't think about it that much anymore, anyway.

Let me pose this to YOU: why do YOU like black men? (if that is the case)

I have a friend who prefers Latino men, one who prefers Asian men, some who prefer white men, and some who prefer black men. Does that make any of them better or worse?

35. Response to annetta
Fri, Sep 24, 1999 - 8:06 AM/EST
britt

Although when I read your (as you call it) personal attack on elizabethrlk my hair bristled and I became very defensive, I do understand what you are saying: in general, most white people downplay racism or think that it is not that bad. But in all fairness to elizabethrlk (and I know you apologized) she is raising a biracial child, so I am sure she has experienced racism first- or at least second-hand. I am white, but because of my black boyfriend and many black friends, I am not ignorant to the fact that racism is alive and well in America. I have seen cabs pass my boyfriend up, cops stop him for no reason, salespeople ignore him, jobs deny him, and people scorn him. And it hurts. Because I love him. No, I can not personally EMPATHIZE because I am not black; the only comparison that I can draw from is my experience of being a woman and the discrimination that goes with that (as I'm sure you've felt yourself). But I do know that racism exists. Many white people I know, however, are in the dark. They do not personally know or spend any length of time with black people, so how would they know? Unfortunately, all they see about black people comes from the media. See, it is entirely possible for whites to go just about all their lives and not "have to" come in contact with black people, but black people usually have to deal with white people, white society, and white male-dominated views. I try as much as I can to educate people and show them that not ALL black people_____(fill in the blank) whatever bad things you've heard.

I just consider each small step a "chink in the wall" of racism.

I do not think you are a bad person...in fact, I wish we could all have a face-to-face discussion (wouldn't THAT be interesting) because I think everyone in this group would learn something if we actually got to know everyone else.

36. Response to Britt #34
Fri, Sep 24, 1999 - 12:57 PM/EST

In answer to your question of why I prefer black men. When I was dating, I preferred black men because we shared the same history, culture, and struggle for racial equality. If someone prefers a whole group of people over another, it should be easy to state why. My gay friends do know why they prefer same gender relationships. Why is it that some white women have no problem saying they prefer black men but cannot express why. Thank you Britt for your input, but my question still goes unanswered.

37. understanding your mate
Fri, Sep 24, 1999 - 3:35 PM/EST
annetta

In response to britt, I can understand why your "hair bristled and you became defensive", I see and hear that reaction alot when that subject comes up, and I'm sorry but it is when I am talking with a white person. (You know this has nothing to do with "understanding your mate", maybe "understanding people") But, in all fairness to me, elizabethrlk(even though I think she's cool)while she will deal with some form of racism 1st, 2nd, or 3rd hand, it is not the same as when it is happening to the person the racism is happening to. I appreciate you having empathy, but you loving your boyfriend, does not matter to him I bet, when it is happening to him. Ask him about some of the times those things you mentioned before happened, because even though it makes you angry that it happens, it is about 10 times worse for him, because he is humiliated and that is the worst! No person wants to be humiliated, but it is even worse when it happens in front of a mate, family member, or friend. I am not attacking you, because I know you did not create this problem, I'm just trying to explain the difference. Oh, and I know that white people can go about their business without having to deal with black people, but blacks have to deal with them, it is just another way in which blacks are humiliated.

38. Why I like them......
Tue, Oct 5, 1999 - 6:37 PM/EST
red

Hi! I'm back I have been more observing than anything, only due to lack of time. You all are so iteresting. I just want to respond to hill's why white women can't say why they prefer black men...I have had lovers of many different races, and frankly Black men have always been the most open and aggressive out of all of the men I've been with. I know what I like, I know how to ask for it and for the most part Black men have always been the most willing to oblige, the most free with their sexuality, and the most comfortable with the fact that I am a very strong, challenging woman and so there you have it.

39. Response to red
Tue, Oct 5, 1999 - 7:19 PM/EST
britt

Well said.

I had not thought about that aspect of it...I am shy when it comes to men, at least at first. Black men for the most part ARE more aggressive, so that is who I wind up talking to when I go out. Once I am in a relationship or at least dating somebody, I can open up and not be so shy, then THAT'S when they say..."WHOA! You are strong! You didn't seem this way when I first met you!"

Maybe if white guys approached me more, I would date them more, but I don't usually approach black men OR white men, so I guess I pick those who pick me, if you get my drift.

Now before you jump all over that hill, annetta, seattle, or ttlesq, it's not that I don't think I'm good enough for white men or whatever, as some people may say, but I am (at first) not a very aggressive-type person, and I guess the white men I've seen out aren't either, so it just doesn't happen. Maybe I send off signals, I don't know, but even when I'm wrapped up in conversation with my girlfriends and not dancing, it seems to be black men who are confident (?) enough to come up and talk to me.

40. Response to Red #38
Wed, Oct 6, 1999 - 5:27 PM/EST

Thank you very much for answering my question so

honestly. I know you realize that none of the

qualities you admire so much in a black man helps

contribute one thing to a lasting relationship. I

hope you will look for more than that if you

decide to make a black man or any man your husband

and the father of your children. TIP: A lot of

times when men are so comfortable with you being

very strong and challenging could mean that they

are looking for a "meal ticket" instead of joining

Women's Lib.

41. hill
Wed, Oct 6, 1999 - 7:25 PM/EST
britt

Thank you for your comments.

And I'm not sure I ADMIRE those qualities so much as the fact that it just turns out that way.

What do YOU think I should do? Should I ignore the black men who talk to me, or should I start being aggressive and going after white men (at the risk of their thinking I'm throwing myself at them) or should I just let what happens happen? I'm not asking this in a sarcastic or attacking way, I really am interested in you input... :)

42. Response to Britt #41
Thu, Oct 7, 1999 - /EST

Britt, instead of answering all of your questions,

I would like to recommend a book to you. I

promise that if you read this book from cover to

cover, you will have all of the answers that I

have. The name of the book is The Holy Bible.