Topic #1. Introductions
(Showing 1-40 of 40)

1. Introductions
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - 3:08 PM/EST

You can read my bio, but I am a 25-year-old social worker, and I have a personal and professional interest in how people form and maintain relationships. In addition, I continue to explore what race and racism mean to me. In school, we just brushed the surface of these issues, and I would like to dig a little deeper.

It suddenly occurs to me that many people define "relationship" as romantic relationships. I would like to broaden the discussion to include differences within other types of significant relationships (e.g. friend, family, professional).

2. introductions
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - 3:21 PM/EST
maine

When I first recieved my PBS guide for the month and I saw a picture of an interracial relationship on the front I showed it to my husband (a BM) and we both were amazed that the title was "Am American Love Story" because so often LOVE is the last thing people want to attribute to interracial relationships (and maybe any that's true of any "inter" relationships too). It is often seen as a fad, a rebellion, a freakish sort of thing. How refreshing...love.

I agree with amaia and think it would be interesting to open up the discussion to include relationships other than romantic, but I would like to also hear a bit about raising biracial children and if people feel it requires additional ingredients besides unconditional love, support, encouragement, etc. that is part of parenting in general.

3. introductions
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - 3:35 PM/EST

Hey, mj here. I'm all for expanding the topic because--as you'll read in my bio--I'm interested in the many different ways people interact. I'd have to say “An American Love Story” has been rather surprising. So much attention went to the fact that this is an interracial family, but what I’m coming away is the amazing sense of FAMILY that the everyone has. (I’m only child and I am always amazed at the concept of people living and dealing with each other every day.) Anyway, that’s it for me right now.

4. INTRODUCTION
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - 4:40 PM/EST
chrissy

So excited to be a part of all this. I am Chrissy, 27 female from Southern California. I come from an intercultural (but not interracial) family of 5 kids. Diversity wasn't always valued in our family, surprisingly so based on our parents' situation.

But most of us have grown up open-minded and respectful of others whether or not they are "different" from us in any sense of the word. In fact we are all in interracial and/or intercultural romantic relationships right now.

Currently I am in a relationship with a 46 year-old Jewish man from Iran. I am Catholic and through-and-through Californian. It has been fascinating to learn about his culture, languages, religion, etc. Though living in this "melting pot" I have had lots of exposure to all kinds of ways of life, I have never been involved so closely. None of these differences are cause for concern (so far) except for the age thing. He is concerned he is too old for me, I am concerned that he is concerned - that it creates barriers.

My question, "Can it work?" I hope to participate in some concrete discussion with y'all (especially those in intimate "interwhatever" realtionships w/ family, friends, mates, etc.) about specific skills you employ to bridge those gaps.

Is it worth all the time and effort? Is it really as hard as everyone (including my parents) says it is? What things do you have to do that couples without those differences don't have to do?

I read the featured posts segment on interfaith marriages and I was shocked at the hardline stance some took against them. I think that for some people it is impossible to have an interfaith relationship, but that does not mean it is impossible for everyone, and just because somebody can have a successful one, it does not make them any less of a Catholic, Jew, Muslim, etc.

I believe it can work if the people involved are open and invested and HONEST with themselves and eachother about issues and concerns.

5. Intro
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - 4:51 PM/EST
loh263

I am a native Californian, but have lived many places and travelled quite a bit. I have joined this group so that dialogue can be opened re: race and relationships etc.. I feel that so many people are afraid to brooch this subject so I was happy to see this. I also think that this can only help our community. Having grown up in Northern California and living in different countries has made me more open minded. I have 4 biracial children and feel that truly they are the future of America. I look forward to communicating with everyone!

6. Introduction
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - 5:35 PM/EST
martina

As I have said in my bio, I am a 26 year old female from Germany. I have a German law degree and moved to the U.S. to live with my boyfriend who is African American. We are planning to get married. Having lived in Germany most of my life, when I first moved here I found out that I had no idea of the racial dynamics in this country. I can't even really explain what I have learned or seen from being here (in D.C.) but my boyfriend always says that he is glad I didn't grow up with the "American race experience". Please don't get me wrong now, I am not trying to say that there is no racism in Europe because there is, it is just very different. I guess I should also say that my parents have extreme problems with our relationship. With this background, I am joining this group hoping to find out more about race relations in the U.S. in general but especially about interracial families and how they have dealt with all the issues confronting them. My boyfriend and I discuss these issues almost every day and now I am excited to find out what everyone in this diverse group can teach me about it or learn from me.

7. Introduction
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - 7:09 PM/EST
maxwell

To be honest, I am surprised to even find this sort of open discussion existing. My experience has been that many people don't even like talking about the subject. I have dated inter-racially, and to give some insight to chrissy and martina, I have found it difficult from others' point of view not mine. I think because I grew up on my own at such an early age, I found out that there really are good and bad in all people not matter where you go. I guess I joined this discussion group to learn more about the world around me, and to validate to myself the dream, that others would like to see children growing into adults that value differences, instead of perpetuating lies, and negativity toward others.

8. Intro
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - 7:33 PM/EST
mauri

hi mauri here. i grew up in a middle/upper class (whatever that means these days)white family without much exposue to race and cultural issues. after finishing my undergrad i took off alone and traveled for a year in asia. i spent most of my time in india and nepal. it was on this journey that i became critically conscious. my eyes were opened and will never close again. i took a vow of simplicity and chose a social activist career path.a few years later i traveled to the west indies and stayed for 6 years, where i have been working with local NGOs coordinating and implementing a variety of adult literacy and women community programs. after my first year i fell in love with theo, a grenadian man and we have been together for the past 5 years. we plan to start a family in the very near future and we have chosen grenada as our home base. although love is our base there is still so much to think about and to explore in relation to our different racial, religious and cultural backgrounds. stumbling upon an american love story was a serendipitous experience for me as i had been putting a lot of energy into thoughts of theo and i's future. i was also thinking a lot about a recent comment made by an african canadian male friend. he said he could never see himself with a white woman and that he did not believe in interracial relationships. i did not respond but instead listened quietly. i guess i needed to think about it more in relation to him and his past. i look forward to listening more, as well as voicing within this discussion group. i look forward to this opportunity of growth.

9. Hi, all
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - 8:37 PM/EST
antonia

Hi, Folks -

I guess I wanted to join this discussion because of feelings I've had a long time about how inter-racial and inter-cultural relationships are depicted. Our society expects them to be difficult. We, as individuals, believe our society and create problems for ourselves in our personal lives. At times I've wanted to just shout that it doesn't have to be that way. I'm supposedly "black." My husband is supposedly "white." These labels don't even have genetic significance. For all purposes except discrimination based on skin color, they have no meaning anymore.

We got engaged and the first time his family learned I was "black" was when they came to meet our flight and shook hands with me at the airport. Our friends, bosses, coworkers learned about our respective races in the same way. We didn't consult them in advance on that aspect. My family knew before they met him, but all they cared about was whether he was a decent man. He knew that and set out to prove himself. Therefore they embraced him fully.

Everyone came to our wedding: families, friends, coworkers. We had a wonderful time.

For 13 years we've lived where we want, gone where we want. If anyone had negative feelings about that, we haven't heard because we're just not open to people questioning us about our intimate lives and decisions. Oh. One of my "girlfriends" did make a negative remark privately at the wedding. I've had no contact with her since.

I believe what happens to us is largely a result of what we expect to happen and what we will permit in our lives. That has been my experience all 54 years of my life and all 13 years of our marriage. My husband and I love each other. Absolutely nothing can intrude on that.

Why does TV never do stories about people who DON'T have a particular problem so we can learn how their happiness was achieved?

Glad to read about all of you.

antonia

10. hello everyone
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - 8:51 PM/EST

michael here. i have had to deal with the race issue all of my life. didn't mention these bits in my bio but - wow - here i go: i was born in the 50s' to an married italian mother who had an affair with my married black father in newark, nj. i've been told that she was a mother of 2 children, and i presume that her family thought that i was a product of their father, but it was apparent that i was NOT once i was born. my biological mother (whom i've never met) abandoned me. my dad and maternal mother (who is black) provided for me, my Mom accepting me as her own (she had had a son who passed 2 yrs. previously (pneumonia), and could not have another child). I welcome dialogue in this group that i have never had previously.

11. my goal
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - 9:39 PM/EST

My goal in this dialogue is to hear experiences of others that are similar/different than my own, and how they have dealth with them.

I was touched by cicilys' experiences in college, as they parallel my own, and i continue to have them, even at the age of 47. In my travels in Europe, Middle and Far East, I have experienced little prejudice and racism. Most people outside of the US are more interested in you as a person, maybe your Nationality, but not your race.

12. Introduction
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - 10:36 PM/EST
centrist

My name is CW. I am a 55 yr. old B/M in a committed relationship with a W/F. My major interest is to dialogue with other African Americans about prejudice against inter-racial couples. I am an attorney and my partner is a 50 yr. old psychologist. Our interests are virtually identical but our appearance together is discordant. I feel uneasy around both black and white, although it is easier to be in the white world. I am, however, beginning to notice discrimination for the first time although I think it has always been there. (I mean discrimination in the world in general as opposed to discrimination against inter-racial couples.) But the black on black prejudice, I find the most disturbing.

13. the other centrist
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - 10:51 PM/EST
centrist

I am the other half of 'centrist'....the white female. CW and I have been in this relationship for over a year and we have a better, healthier relationship than I have experienced in my 50+ years. When I see him, I see my best friend....I see the man I love... I see the man who makes me laugh...I very seldom notice his color. (But when I DO see his color, I like what I see). And I see me as who I am 'inside'.....therefore I don't see what others apparently see...the stark contrast between our outside skin colors. I am interested in finding out what other couples experience. I know now, that to be in this relationship as a black person is a different experience than being in the same relationship as a white person. I personally believe that the way we will truly overcome prejudice is through one-on-one experiences with one another, not through some kind of official doctrine or actions.

14. To: Centrist
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - 11:01 PM/EST

You said that it is easier for you to be in the white world. Can you say more about that? What kind of community did you grow up in? You and your wife are both professionals; do you think this might bridge some gaps?

And, anyone can respond to this: How much does socioeconomic class play into our comfort with others? Is SES (socioeconomic status) more or less important than race? (Of course, this is a loaded question and not intended to elicit a definite answer.)

15. Introductions
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - 11:20 PM/EST
sixtiesgirl

There are so many interesting postings to read, I hope I'm not repeating what has been said, but I wonder if anyone has talked about "reverse racism?" I was in the 5th grade when my school began to bus in ghetto black kids and most the white kids were sent to private schools. I spent fifth grade being the only white girl in the school and was beaten up, cursed at -- etc. Both my parents were active in civil rights at the time and my mother played Martin Luther King's "I have a dream" speech until it was near worn out. I watched the Nigerian segment (Cicely's trip) and observed the black students' fierce separate but equal arguments -- they just wanted to be with "People they were comfortable with" Isn't that what segregation was to begin with? I notice that nobody will talk about black hatred toward whites -- and that has been my own experience. That's it for me for now. Thanks.

16. To Amaia
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - 11:23 PM/EST
centrist

I believe that socio-economic groupings are very important, particularly in the white world. However, I think there is a bigger practical issue. There is always the image of one escaping from the black community and by that act of perceived escape symbolically condemn everyone in the black community. Cicily was not free to fight back against Carleton in a one on one dispute because the act of talking back to him, somehow became a symbolic act of disloyalty. There is little freedom for a black person either in the white world and the black world. Socio-economic buffers do not work as well in a situation like that. (I am becoming somewhat tongue-tied and cannot clearly express what I mean, so I will have to leave it up to you to interpret and if you are way off the mark of what I meant, I will tell you.)

17. Introduction
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - /EST
stevie

The scoop: I was born in OH '70, raised in Guyana, moved to St. Louis in '78, then to CA, then to MA for college in '88. Met my wife who's a New England native. Got married in '95, moved to PA where my wife got another Bachelor's, new daughter '97, moved to MD '97, bought a house; I started and finished grad school'98-'99 and now the big questions face me. "knowing what I know now would I marry again?"

Before I answer that let me tell you that I'm from an upper-middle class background, my wife from middle class. In the States I've primarily known caucasians. Ironically I met more black people while at Amherst College than at any other time. Maryland was an interesting culture shock too. There are a lot of black folks here. I realise that I haven't told you, I'm quite black, my wife quite white (I'm smiling as I write this because it's rather funny to think of us in terms of being an interracial couple.) Hmmm...

Anyway would I marry someone who was not from my racial/educational/class background again? Yes.

I recall being told that in the West Indies being of mixed race is a non-issue. What folks were trying to tell me is that, yes, there you are absolutely aware of race, and when the chips are down it matters. The interesting thing is that discrimination tends to play out across class lines first rather than colour. There is no question of an interracial relationship "not working" simply because of racial concerns. We were Guyanese first, not some hyphenated something.

Race has been a nonissue for my wife and me. To Chrissy's question of, "Is it worth the time and effort?" and in response to Centrist's "very seldom noticing" her partner's colour, my wife is a white person, our daughter is biracial. These things are acknowledgeable immutable truths.

Yes, it's worth the time an effort to be married, period-but only if both parties are mature enough to make the relationship a place of refuge, solace, strength, and, lastly, of love.

18. to amaia
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - /EST
antonia

You said:

And, anyone can respond to this: How much does socioeconomic class play into our comfort with others? Is SES (socioeconomic status) more or less important than race? (Of course, this is a loaded question and not intended to elicit a definite answer.)

Yes, I also feel it's a loaded question. Because of the need to take a stand against societal racism, blacks have felt the need to shy away from the obvious -- that there are differences among us. There was a time when white society behaved fairly decently toward what was called the "talented tenth" while grinding less fortunate blacks into the ground. At times I find it as irksome as racist attitudes, though. Anyone remember the shock expressed, even by news people, at the learned and articulate black panel who showed up in Anita Hill's defense? They talked as if a new species had been discovered. What an insult to the "black" race. We have every kind of person among us, just like all other races. One day we'll be able to celebrate that rich diversity, I hope.

To answer your question, I've learned to be comfortable with almost anyone by putting myself in the other persons' shoes, even extreme ones. Might I be a racist if I'd been raised in a KKK family? Might I resent other blacks if I thought they felt superior to me? Maybe. Mind you, I won't let anyone dump their neurosis on me, but I honestly feel it's institutionalized unfairness that really has to be fought. Individually, scratch the surface of a staunch racist, sexist, anti-semite, homophobe, etc. of any color or nationality and my belief is you'll find a person hurting. If they're open, I try to relate to the inner person and sometimes have ended up with a friend.

19. introductions
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 1:04 AM/EST
chuck

Hey all, Chuck here. Growing up in a racially diverse family, i shared the same feelings as Cicily. When amongst family i felt grounded, at home, colorless. When out in society i saw race come into play more. Having explored this and related issues for some time now ( about 12yrs) locally, i was excited to find PBS and this forum. Im looking forward to honest, caring and learning exchanges and maybe even a friend or two along the way

20. Introductions
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 10:40 AM/EST
medusa9

I am a 35 year old Jewish, single female. I am interested in the issues being discussed, as I have recently been in a relationship with a Southern black man. The relationship broke up over issues that were not culturally related. However, I did wrestle with my own notions of my religious and generational history. I was very concerned with the identity issues the children would face, even though I am a very open person, being an artist, and live in New York City.

It seems to me that people still must choose the communities they live in with care, as there is still a lot of racism in this country and in this City. I have encountered prejudice as a Jewish woman and I saw very clearly how my boyfriend was treated unfairly, having dark skin. I was the first Jewish person he has ever met, which reminds one of the existence of small communities, even in places like Virginia. His family was very accepting of me. My friends and family who are of my age/generation were accepting of him but my father was shocked. I know my father would have come around, if this was my choice, but acceptance would have been difficult.

21. Introductions
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 11:15 AM/EST

hi all

I am interested in the way we relate to each other. While the construct of "race" is false it has been used effectively to determine who is "in" and who is "out" all over the world!

I come from a very typical middle class Black Southern family:

my father & his siblings are so fair-skinned, my son insisted (for his first five years) that Poppa was white. I have mistaken my aunts for "white women". My great-grandfather (white) married a mulatto woman & raised their children as coloreds (sounds like South Africa). My father was & is a staunch Civil Rights activist because of the absured treatment he received (his father could enter through the front door of a restaurant, he couldn't).

My mother's family is Black & very well educated. My maternal grandmother & all of her siblings were college graduates. My maternal grandfather was also a college graduate, a school principal, a farmer, & the most highly-educated and powerful man in his community. He briefly joined the communist party in the '30s when he thought the party would help him and his people.

My siblings & I were raised in the tradition of so many families like ours - piano lessons, dance lessons, travel, the right social clubs, & we integrated the local elementary school over the protest of many in the school district. Much was expected of my generation (we were upholding the race).

I find that I am very comfortable with any race, any culture, anyone except those who refuse to open their minds. I have a 16 year old son who has friends from all races, cultures, socio-econ backgrounds. He attends a magnet school at a predominately black high school. He feels more comfortable with those of his own socio-econ class, yet he is determined to "get along with everyone". Most of his close school friends are Asian Indian, caucasian, & Japanese-American, although his "best friends" are two African-American boys. I will soon discuss his issues with dating & my husband's views.

22. Comment of Postings thus far
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 11:51 AM/EST
maxwell

I have been paying attention so far, and it seems that there have been many experiences. To capsulize what I have learned is that those who come from a non-American heritage found it shocking (for the most part), at the issues of racism. Those with an American have had there lives touched or influenced in some way. It seems that the subject is pretty big to grasp, and has been for years. Most just accept it, giving up trying to understand it. Some through education, or class structure, are able to insulate themselves somewhat but never fully from it's effects. I thank everyone for putting there experiences in such a way as to give me more insight, instead of blaming. A few other things I find intersting is: 1) Where did we learn it as children. 2) Why do those that identify themselves other than American have a different experience? 3) What day to day factors continue to perpetuate this disease of the mind?

23. to maxwell
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 12:54 PM/EST
antonia

Maxwell, in my travels I've also found foreign countries are far less focused on black/white racial attitudes than America is. I think the main reason is they aren't isolated from the rest of the world like we are. Differences in language, culture, appearance, etc., are an everyday part of European consciousness for instance, perhaps because their countries are the size of our states. They are more used to the idea that difference doesn't automatically translate to inferiority or superiority. Most European countries do have racist attitudes towards members of their former colonies, though -- if usually less severe ones. Still, I personally found Paris or Frankfurt more accepting than the American city where I was born. But I've noted changes in recent years. Through news, TV and movies, I believe America is exporting its racist attitudes to countries which didn't have them before in those terms.

Need others' attitudes rain on your parade? I say no. I believe intolerance is always based on fear. In person-to-person contact we can dispense that fear. And in adulthood, we don't have to deal with fearful people unless we choose to. The world is full of more love than hate, I've found. There is ample room to choose happiness.

24. To: Antonia
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 1:29 PM/EST
maxwell

Thank you for your insignts Antonia. Although I do not adhere to the "grass being greener on the other side", I have heard stories aobut how the problem of racism is different in Europe. As much as I would like to visit other countries (and will), I think that you point out the fact on how negative it has become in the United States. I agree with you about Fear and Isolation from others playing a part. To pinpoint an actual cause though, is that I think that the United States being a very young country, with a well recorded history of painful exclusion of human rights to many people has much to do with racism in America. I am not stating this to place blame, but to give one cause into how people react to one another. In general, I don't believe that a person can exist fully into they know some truths about their own cultural history. People from Russia, Japan, Africa, and Brazil seem to more readily acknowledge the good and bad points in their history. This gives them a point of Culture to show where they have digressed, or grown as a people. The U.S. does not do this. Our history is temporary pop culture to blind us from what I believe is the pain of recognizing where we as a poeple come from. And since we deny more than recognize, we haven't shown that we are ready to accept and understand our place as a country.

25. Racism in other countries
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 1:36 PM/EST

Maxwell & Antonia,

I have also traveled throughout the world & I work for a British Company. I find that the Brits harbor even more racism than do Americans. The big difference in most European countries is that, until recently, the balance between the native born and the darker skinned immigrant was definitely tipped in the direction of the European. Just look at France - once thought by Black Americans as a haven against racism - now that it faces massive immigration from Northern Africa, fascism and racism are becoming part of the national dialogue (and national politics).

I met several West Indians in London, and their complaints were similar to those of African-Americans, it is not the overt racism that gets you - its the priviledge of skin color that is perpetuated in all of these societies.

I just don't want to let the world off the hook - in many ways Americans are MORE tolerant of differences (what other country in the world has as many ethnic, racial, religious, political groups living in relative peace as we have here?). The rest of the world appears tolerant because they are, for the most part, living in very homogeneous countries.

26. Introductions
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 1:51 PM/EST
monte_6

I would like to welcome everyone to this exciting venture. I think that it has been a long time coming for such a forum to discuss such a topic. I for one am very glad that all of you have decided to participate and look forward to our discussions.

I agree with so many of you who have said that relationships should not just be about love, but the interactions that do or do not bring on that emotion.

I too have been involved in interracial and intercultural relationships and I have seen and heard many interesting things from family, friends and the like. I think that the gap can be bridged but I am not certain how or when that will happen. I believe that it is a matter of choice and a matter of character. Choice because we all have to decide what it is that we want from our relationships and what we will and will not do to achieve that end. Character, because once that decision is made it is our character that will carry us through the many bumps, bruises, and skinned knees that we will endure along the way.

I have heard a number of comments and I have seen a number of relationships. I look forward to sharing my experiences with you and listening to yours.

27. Introduction
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 3:17 PM/EST
madre2

Saludos a todos. Yes, I'm Hispanic/Latina. My family can trace its roots back to Spanish colonial New Mexico on both sides. I call myself Mexican-American to simplify things. The U.S. Southwest was once part of the region now known as Mexico. But many Hispanics in the Southwest have been in what is today U.S. territory for many generations. The dynamics that shape me and people like me are much different from those that shape Latinos/Hispanics who just arrived or have only been in the U.S. for a few generations. Still, there are many commonalities and I consider all Hispanics/Latinos -- whereever they are and whatever color they are -- part of my "cultural" family. I am 41 and married to a wonderful Irish-American man. We have a toddler son. My 19-year-old daughter's father is Venezuelan. We divorced when my daughter was 8. I agree with Michael. Sometimes people of color have to leave the United States to feel they are part of the greater human family. I lived in Venezuela for 10 years and everyone treated me with dignity and respect, including the expatriot Europeans I met. Oddly enough, I never felt more "American" and bonded with my own expatriot American friends. We had more in common than not. I want my children -- my beautiful brown daughter and her blue-eyed brother -- to be able to live life to the fullest without being judged by their looks. I hope this group can touch on ways of helping "biracial" (whatever that means) children see themselves in a positive light.

28. to stevie
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 3:46 PM/EST
chrissy

Thanks for the wise words of encouragement. "A place of refuge, solace, strength and love," that is really what any relationship should be about, not just interracial/cultural ones.

When two people exude that and practice it in their homes, their children will find a way eventually. Though my way was not easy, it did happen for me and the foundations my parents established; showing love, teaching respect, etc. were vital. Without them I would have been lost for a long while - maybe forever.

29. To Centrist
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 4:01 PM/EST

What I hear you saying is that having a similar socioeconomic status does not help to alleviate racism, and a black person being a professional does not make him/her immune from prejudice or discrimination.

That's a helpful insight, and you're right that in Cicely's argument with Carlton, if they were from the same se class, that, in itself, would not have been enough to bridge the gap between their points of view.

Also, perhaps (if this is what you're saying) some of the resentment Carlton and other African American students felt toward Cicily was that they perceived her movement between racial groups as an "escape" that therefore "condemns" the Black community.

I guess I was thinking, that in my experience, I tend to be more relaxed, at least when I first meet someone, if I can relate to them over something, and sometimes that is education or other similar experiences that have to do with class.

30. Europe
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 4:04 PM/EST

Thank you for pointing that out so eloquently, concernedmom. I was thinking that Europe's homogeneity was the root of the apparent equality, but I didn't understand all the complexities.

31. Introduction
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 5:21 PM/EST
marj

I am a 32 year-old BW. My husband is 32 and white. We met at college and have been married for 10 years. We have two children. I was adopted as an infant by my "white" parents. It's always strange to state that because their color is rarely a thought for me. It was however a thought to many people in the basically all white, Indiana community I was raised in. My childhood was very happy until it came time to date. I think that many people are o.k. with interracial friendships, but love or attraction they simply can't understand. My husband had never realized his family had problems with interracial relationships until they found out he was in one. His mother and two siblings out of eight were at our wedding. No other of his family or their friends came. His father would have nothing to do with it. The good news is that that was the worst it ever was. We now are very close to his family, and do things together often. Once his parents realized that if they forced him to choose between us, they'd miss out. Grandchildren also had a way of bridging our differences. It's unfortunate that it had to come down to such ugliness. There were so many concerns, by others, that life would be difficult for us. Rarely has race had anything to do with any difficulties we may have had. Race is rarely an issue within our home. Only outside do we have to think about hidden meanings, stares, and comments. We try not to let these things influence our thoughts and lives. I do, however, have concerns about the world my children will be seeking employment, and relationships in. I would have to say that that is what drew me to the Sims' story. I was interested in how the parents approached preparing their children for life between the color lines. I'd like to hear of your experiences and opinions since often times people feel uncomfortable discussing differences and more importantly what's similar between races.

32. My introduction
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 5:49 PM/EST

I grew up in Iowa in a working class, Irish Catholic family. The only person I knew of another color was the girl across the street who was bi-racial (black & white), being raised by her white grandparents. The minority population in the 1960's was around 3% (mainly black & a few Hispanic). Even though our city had no formal segregation, the unwritten rule was that blacks live in a particular area only. My parents were not racially prejudiced, but I believe that they always wanted me to marry a Catholic, preferably white.

In 1983 I moved to Orange County, California. Although there were more minorities, but again there seemed to be unwritten rules about segregation. The majority of the people in the neighborhood I lived, as well as those I worked with, were white.

I met my husband in 1993. He is from India. My family accepted him immediately. He is a wonderful man. Even though our backgrounds are very different, we've not had problems as a couple. We have, however, had problems with his family. His parents are conservative, devout Hindus (his father in particular). They were very upset when told of our engagement. In my husband's family, marriages are arranged based on religion, caste, horoscopes. The parents play a large role in whom their children marry. By my husband going against tradition, his father no longer speaks to him. His mother, fortunately, has softened and we speak with her often. She will be visiting us sometime next year.

We are looking forward to having children soon and I do think about what reactions they will get from the Indian community, as well as from whites. We now live in Los Angeles, where bi-racial / bi-cultural children are not unusual, but we will be moving back to Iowa in a few years.

I'm eager to hear other's experiences as mixed couples. As an Anglo/Indian couple, we are very unusual and I always feel a kinship with others who are dealing with similar issues.

33. To: Marj
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 5:49 PM/EST
maxwell

I want to say thank you for sharing your experiences. One thing that you said that I liked, was that the effects of racism are outside your home. I like that because, I think that is where it starts. It is always easier to point fingers at one another, than to realize how we may perpetuate the problem. If and when I have children, I would like to think that I would do the same thing in regards to empowering my children. I don't want to forget mentioning some of the benefits that I have had inter-racially dating. First off, I have been introduced to different customs, mindsets, ways of doing and thinking things. That has been refreshing to me personally. I have dated African American, Hawaiian, Filipino, Irish, Italian, Swedish. One thing that was common in all cases, was that we took the time to get to know one another, as opposed to pre-judging on stereotypes. I truly feel that in each relationship we learned more about what we had in common, as opposed to listening to others about what was different about us. I know we are going to probably hear that alot, but I think that it is important in a fundamental way.

34. To: Amaia and Maxwell
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 6:45 PM/EST
centrist

First let me say that these discussions on race are the first I have ever had in 55 years that have been so open and unpretextual. It is also great to be sitting here with the electricity off (battery power)due to the hurricane and still be able to communicate with people all over the country. In a very early episode of Star Trek there were two tribes on a distant planet, the name of which was withheld to protect the guilty - where those in the Northeast quadrant were black on the right half of their bodies and white on the left. Those from the Southwest quadrant were black on the left and white on the right. They battled and killed each other because of their differences until one of the weapons used to confuse the enemy was to use a mirror which caused them to see that they were just like their enemies and could not tell the difference. Prejudice exists in everyone of us in this discussion group. Certain things bring it out in different ways and at different times - it may be race or it may be socio ec status or intelligence or any number of other things. The more alike we are in physical appearance, the less the visceral reflex. Therefore, the reflexes between black and white are the most pronounced. The one stimulus that seems to bring prejudice out the most in both black and white is inter-racial dating and marriage. Socio ec status can allow blacks and whites to get along just fine if no dating is involved. The two groups can socialize just fine together as well as long as it is platonic. So...just as Maxwell suggests, there are a host of reasons not to get involved in an inter-racial relationship. However, I do not believe any of us here got involved in a relationship just to cross lines. I met someone who I fell in love with and I must now figure out how to function in a hostile world. Understanding the hostility will help in determining how to deal with it but it will not change it. Blame and $.50 will get you that cup of coffee.

35. Same-race hatred
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 9:00 PM/EST

In '57, my parents moved from urban newark nj to suburban cliffwood, trying to find a better life. They built a home in a black neighborhood. We were the 1st black family to move into the neighborhood in years. My dad attended community meetings because he felt that his taxes were not serving him nor the community: dirt roads, NO street lights, etc.. Blacks in the neighborhood didn't commend him. Some ridiculed us (my dad) for trying to better the community. We felt there was apathy in the community and SOMEONE had to speak out. As others listened and participated, our community received paved roads, street lights and mailboxes - and dad was given the recognition he deserved.

36. Introductions
Fri, Sep 17, 1999 - 11:45 AM/EST

Hi!

I am a Black professional divorcee with one small child who is engaged to be married to a professional Caucasian, never married, no children, male.

My experience has been quite similiar to Antonia's with respect to how friends and family have reacted. It has all been very positive. Co-workers have been different. Especially with white females. Several single white women have been outright vicious and hateful towards me. One even made the comment, "Why doesn't she leave the white men for us."

Our lives are pretty ordinary for the most part. What I have noticed is that the minority person in the relationship is very quick to distance himself/herself from their ethnicity. That disturbs me on a certain level because it emphasizes and supports notions of "White Superiority" and that is wrong. The whole notion of Black female beauty by Black people still revolves around "light skinned, long GOOD hair (argh!)" as being most desirable. I have heard with my own ears Black people and Asian people in Interracial Relationships say how their "children" are an improvement because they now have "Caucasian" blood running through their veins.

My fiancee and I are who we are. I am not trying to be "white" and he is not trying to be black.

Thoughts?

Taz

37. Just Me
Fri, Sep 17, 1999 - 3:13 PM/EST
historian

Tried to do this yesturday, but Hurricane Floyd had other ideas.

I don't have much to add to my original intro that I gave with the registration. I was born in St. Louis, raised in Brooklyn, NY and currently live in Washington DC. I am an urbanite, but it took time spent in small town in the mid west (getting an education0 to figure this out.

My husband and I met in London and we've been married for nearly four years. I'm expected our first child in November. I am working full-time as a historian and plan to write my ph.d dissertation on African-American children in Quaker institutions. I walk the narrow road between the black and white world and sometimes I just get plain tired and want to retreat, but its the only road I know. Hope to find others roads from other people in this dialogue. Peace

38. introduction
Fri, Sep 17, 1999 - 4:56 PM/EST

I'm a 41 year old white male married for 17 years to a wonderfull white female. I'm not sure what I'll have to offer to this group, but I'm here to listen and learn.

I have lived in the area where I now live prettymuch my whole life. I have traveled the U.S. extencivly but I loved this area too much to call somewhere else home.

I have never given the race issue much thought because it's never been an issue around here. It's a rural area and all interracial relationships were thought of as a lack of options more than any thing else.. pretty much all relationships are thought of that way weather they are interracial, interreligious, same sex or whatever. My father-in-law still laments that his daughter didn't have a broader field of options, even after 17 happy years and 3 sons (or grand-sons for him) later, to him my place "is so far out in the sticks that song birds have to pack a lunch to get here."

I like to think that just because I'm out of sight I'm not out of touch. That's mostly why I'm here. I want to rase my boys (12, 10 & 3) with the sence of respect and tolerance towards others that they would like to recieve from others.

39. intro
Thu, Sep 23, 1999 - 8:03 PM/EST

I am a 38 year old black male from the heart of the midwest.

Raised in a smal city in iowa with a total miniorty population of about 6 percent, I belive this has helped me in accepting all types of races and personailties of the people who i happen to be around at the time.

I have been in ir's all of my life could be the fact that my mother remarried when i was very young and i have always seen that as a normal thing, of course in growing up i would get called an oreo or a sell out but it has not harmed my self worth any, My relantionship right now is ir and it has been a wonderful two years for myself and my partner.

there is some unacceptance around us but i do not let it bother me as it has in the past with ir i have been involved in.

I see people as people you either get along or you dont and if you dont it is so silly to waste time hating someone for who they are or who they are with, thank you have a nice weekend

40. ir
Mon, Sep 27, 1999 - 1:04 PM/EST

For the past several years, I have evaluated myself, and thought "Tina, are you prejudice, and could you see yourself marrying a white man?" My answer has been,"I don't think so". My reasoning is the following: I have had so many subtle racist experiences, and I believe that the actions of most whites with whom I interact, is generational. I have experienced the arrogance,

and superiority attitudes on a regular basis, and it makes me feel most uncomfortable. With all sincerity, I cannot see a white man genuiely loving a black woman, without feeling that he is far more superior. I have met some nice white gentleman, but it hasn't clicked. Maybe it's my defenses! I can't see it, but if it happens, God only knows. No hard feelings, just being real.